For reasons that I'm not 100% sure, I am scared of attending a support group. Is this normal…? I'm very confused. I think perhaps the main reason I'm frightened is because it would be actually "dealing" with it. Would I have to stand up and say I am HIV positive? Like someone attending an AA meeting would admit their dependance on alcohol. (I would think not but I really don't know what to expect) How did your first group session help you? What if someone saw me walk in… I care way to much about what people think. What if i saw someone that I knew in the group… I think my first reaction would be to walk out, or hide. I'm tired of hiding myself from fear. How can I help myself? Just do it?

I am a happy person. I don't wish to sound sad or depressed. Though I now have a heavy burden on my shoulders, I still have it pretty good. I live in a great country, I love my job and have great friends and family. I'm very conscious of my health and even more so now that I really have to be. Though I do have a question about recreational drugs. (my only downfall when it comes to be healthy) If anyone knows, how does marijuana effect you differently when you are positive…? I probably should ask my doctor.

Also, if anyone feels like sharing… I need to get travel insurance (for 24 months) while living in London. I haven't researched much yet. But the best travel insurance company I know, require the viral load to be below 10,000 and the CD4 above 250… Does anyone know if this is general among insurers? It could be a problem for me… my viral load is huge.. 134,000 but my CD4 is quite high.. 750. Of course the only way to lower my viral load is to start meds. But otherwise I wouldn't need to start meds for a few years. This sucks. Sigh sigh sigh.

Thanks for reading my thoughts.