Ever sit down and really ask yourself an honest question and flat out lie to yourself to make you feel better when you figure out the answer? I've been doing that for years now and I think the truth needs to out itself before I do something stupid. I try to make it sem like I'm this, somewhat well adjusted guy thatis fairly even tempered. After finding out my great aunt Regina passed away yesterday I realize that what I portray to be my regular self is a bold faced lie. Truth is I'm an angry person, angry at the world, angry at my father (and I use the word only in a biological phrasing. So I'll simply refer to him as the donor from this point on.) And increasingly angry at myself. It's come to my attention that I'm using my own ange at other people as an excuse. I convinced myself that it was my anger at him that kept me away from his side of my family, which I do love in my own weird masochistic f***ed up way. But it's been my choice all this time.

I know logically speaking that they aren't to blame for him not being there but it's gotten to the point that I don't even want to hear about him, let alone have them trying to get us to reconnect, or connect in this case I never really knew him the way that I believe one should know their father. And I just get angrier at myself every time one of them dies and I'm not around to be there, and yes I realize the irony of me abondoning them in the same way he pretty much did to me, then again as I sit here thinking, they only seem to invite me to funerals and wakes, not much contact when they're having some sort of fmily function but I guess w've both got some issues to resolve. Point is that I'm tired of being angry I want to be the person I seem to be to the rest of the world. I wonder if who I am is what I act on or the first thought that comes into my mind that I try my hardest to ignore.

Not uch in the artst files lately ladies and gents so I'll keep you posted on whether or not I come up with a semi decent idea. till then be well and stay weird. 🙂


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