I go through a lot of emotions which is why I'm glad I found this place so I can type them out.

I'ts Monday morning. I'm up early, as usual and I'm thinking – which can be a dangerous thing for me! – the place where I work is on very shaky ground. After several people have approached me in confidence and informed me they had a possibility of getting another job, I strongly encourage them to take it! There is no advancement. The position where one is, is where one stays. I jokingly say, after several years, one actually becomes the furniture. Needless, to say, all the coworkers who spoke to me,except for one, have gone on to  better things. I'm not bragging. I'm positive they've had other friends and family who advised them to leave for something better but that's what got me thinking. I can encourage others yet I can't seem to encourage myself. I keep saying I'm going to change and yet again, I don't. I feel….stuck.

My problem is that I don't know what I want. I don't know what makes me happy. I feel I'm searching for something but I have no clue as to what it is!

I saw a movie on television yesterday, 'Philadelphia', hadn't seen that in years. By the end of the movie, I was crying my eyes out then afterwards I felt…..better. Maybe I just needed to let out some emotion. Maybe my emotions needed a good bitch slap….or maybe it was just a damn good movie! Either way, I began feeling calm.Instead of thinking about what I don't have, I need to start appreciating what I do have.

I've been looking for another job for months, with no luck but instead of feeling down about that….at least I have a job – for the time being.

I don't know what lies ahead but it's time that I stop sheltering myself and start living in today. I go through an emotional roller coaster sometimes….but that's life isn't it? I'm human, it happens. I need to start with me. I'm truthful in stating that I do not like what I see in the mirror….but, I think that's where the problem is. I need to not only like myself but also love myself. Just typing that small sentence made me feel….odd. And, eventually,I'm going to turn that odd feeling into a true statement.

This is what I needed. Typing out my true feelings makes me see what I am missing and what I need to work on and mainly – it's me.