Well, today I finally admitted to myself that I have a problem. Not just any problem…not like a “I don’t have milk for my cereal” problem. Worse. I’m addicted to opiates. I can’t say when it really started..I remember this time.. about 5 years ago..that I took a couple Vicodin and just wanted to do EVERYTHING. I had patience, energy, I felt fabulous. It went from that time to then happening just on occasion.. got a scrip for an injury, cool, would run out almost immediately and not really ever have the desire for more. I controlled it. And at that time I actually did. 4 years ago I met Dave.. I’m still with Dave although I shouldn’t be. Dave was an admitted addict to pain pills, and pretty much anything that guaranteed he would get fucked up. For a long time I just got drugs for dave.. I had a hook up for Vicodin so it was easy for me. Funny thing is, I didn’t even really take them in the beginning.. I’d get 30 and hand them right over to him. Of course eventually I started to indulge hear and there and now here I am. Sobbing in my room, wishing I could just die instead of admit this. I want to be better. Immediately. Right now! I don’t have time to go thru withdrawals or relapses or emotions or days like today when I’m physically drained. I’ve always kept a job, always provided for my kids..but today I found myself yelling at them for no real reason other than what I’m feeling. How do you explain such things to kids? How do u break away from people u love to death,like Dave, but know that u can’t keep going forward the way u are? How do u remind yourself that these feelings, cravings, urges, etc will eventually pass? Do they ever pass or do they just get easier to get over? There are no local NA meetings in my area to my knowledge. I’m too embarrassed and ashamed to admit to my boss or my sister that I have a problem. I just feel like I’m at a dead end. Dave is probably the biggest reason beside myself that I’m in this situation. I don’t want to feel this way anymore – like I can’t function without pain pills… like I’m on edge.. like I’m distracted from the simple beauty of life because I don’t have any drugs. Dave pretty much pays for the habit.. he makes a lot of money…he’s an addiction of mine too. I’m addicted to a narcissistic asshole that truly does only care about drugs. He is someone that has addictions no one or nothing can compete with. Any day he will chose drugs over me. I just can’t live like this anymore. I can’t take it. I’m lonely, trapped, scared, and a mess.
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It’s really good that you’ve come out with it, because now you can start to think about formulating a plan.
You’re in a boat right now and it’s not sinking but it is getting farther from land. So you have time to formulate a plan, and figure out how you will strategise,- although you know it needs doing and sooner is better than later.
I don’t know anything about drug addictions other than cigarettes, which I beat about 6 yrs ago. i can tell you from cigarettes that yes, there does come a day that you look at them and you just think they’re ridiculous. You certainly don’t WANT one.
That took about a year, with one tiny setback when I broke up with the then boyfriend.
But the main hump of it was over in a few months. You just have to hang on in there.
I do know I had to go entirely cold turkey. ‘halving my dose’ did not work. I just wanted one twice as often. It was a constant mental battle. Not having any was less of a battle than rationing myself, and far less exhausting. My deal with myself, because my mind played tricks, was that I would become unaddicted to the nicotine and then see where I was. I would let the nicotine addiction go, and then see if I still needed the cigarettes for some kind of emotional crutch. So this was an interim test that had to be respected. An experiment.
I could do it that way. I could hold onto that thought in the face of cravings and the head games my mind was playing with me.
As to the boyfriend, if you do not feel loved you need to go. Because while you are with him you are not meeting anyone new. Just project forwards to old age. Will you be with him? Will he be with you? Is this a thing that will happen? If you feel insecure now, you will feel insecure all your life. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. Marry or leave. Don’t muck around in no-man’s-land. 🙂
That’s all I’ve got. My fingers are tired. 🙂
Thank U so much for your words. I appreciate all the positive advice I can get.