The friend that nearly exploded my life a few weeks ago continues to show up at my work. Which sure you could say well you can’t expect them to stop shopping there. BUT I work in a truck stop out of the way from her daily route from her job which she is not a trucker, she only came there because I was giving her free drinks when we hung out. She knows it’s giving me anxiety she walks in with a big smirk on her face. Why did I ever open up to this chick. It was dumb of me to tell her what hurts me and open up to her about my thoughts and insecurities. She doesn’t even have to do anything to me and my panic attack starts. I try to ignore it all. One of my coworkers is super sweet and protects me as best as possible when they show up. a couple days ago I was out on a smoke break when she came and today he took over register and asked me to do another task to avoid it being obvious. I don’t understand why she still wants to hurt me. I mean I guess I can kinda understand the satisfaction in it *flashes back to post about restarting self harm journey* But she portrayed herself as so kind and understanding at first and I thought I finally had someone I could go to with my issues I thought she could be good for me maybe brighten my views just a little. But she destroyed every bit of progress I made with myself on letting my walls down. Every time I let people in they try to fuck with my life. It took me so many years just to let people back in so many years to just trust anyone. But I never should have been striving to trust in the first place at this point. No matter how good you are. People want to hurt you.
On a happier note I’m heading to Laconia this weekend for bike week with my boyfriend we’ve been getting better it seems. We are still pushing through some stuff but it’s getting better. We’ve been really opening up to each other and expressing our emotions. We plan to spend the night out there together just us not having to worry about anyone or anything just us the bike and the road. The bike rides have been so calming for they honestly have been helping my through a lot. that’s all I can come up with for a positive i’m sorry these are all gonna be so negative probably
I understand, it feels suffocating when I have to be around people that hurt me. Especially when my other friends joke around and talk to them. Its terrible when you open up to someone and they just betray your trust. Best of luck to you.
It’s so draining trying to hide it too because you can’t just give them the satisfaction of seeing your emotions. focusing my mind on anything but the people is what I’ve been trying to do. The first few tries I focused my mind on my phone that I was doing nothing on I just opened a couple apps and closed them. But I couldn’t speak I still can’t. When I have to ring her up I point at the screen and hope it’s not long enough to see me shake luckily she pays with card. If I’m outside smoking out front (420 vape) I wait till she goes in then just start panic smoking because I’m weak. then by the time she passes I just keep my focus on the cars passing until Ik it’s safe to have a reaction. I’ve broken a few times at work but I also can’t show my emotions in front of a lot of coworkers cause they are just so cruel to people already I don’t wanna be the next target.