Well, guys, things are still going great! My honey & I have moved in together, mostly out of emotional necessity since I had mentioned (or may not have) that his thoughts start racing when he's alone. Like it is today.We still have our arguments, mostly about his insecurity withknowing I dated MLB players which I try to argue back with how i feel about his ex & how he has children with her but he says she told me to my face that she wants nothing to do with him. That still doesn't negate the fact that he hid from me a time when they talked on the phone and then she went over to the house to talk with him for a bit. They both deny anything happened, and call me crazy but I believe them. What hurt the most was that he talked to her about problems he was having, which I felt was something he should have come to ME about. Ever since then, I noticed their conversations and messages have been different. I don't fully trust him yet, so I (like a nagging girlfriend) look over his shoulder whenever she messages him and he responds. Who wouldn't? It's like how a friend of mine in a somewhat similar situation put it, without any notice he can just up and leave me and go back with her so he can have his little family back. When I've told him this was how I felt he right away said that his boys are the family, his blood family, and that I am now his family. There are so many nice things that he says to me that I want so hard to believe but the fear of becoming vulnerable and therefore getting hurt just won't stop nagging at me. Sometimes I think there is a demon cursing me or something evil involved because we can have a great day, a great date or weekend and be laughing and smiling the entire time. We'll even have a moment where we stop right in the middle of a good laugh and say we love each other. Then out of nowhere, something comes up that makes one or the other upset and it ruins the entire experience. And it's always the same thing, its him getting upset over the baseball players or me getting upset over his ex. From a glance one would think that if neither of us can get over these two obstacles in our relationship then it won't last very long. The truth is, it's lasted 10 mos and I feel that within those 10 months we have come to learn to understand each other and how the other one thinks to the point where we don't argue as much as we used to. When he lost his job a few months ago he was a grumpy, moody person and I was there to help coach him somewhat out of that rut. His ex asked him why he had been so grumpy whenever he picked up the boys and why he never even so much a spoke to her to say hi & he told her it was because of the job loss and his inability to find another job. To my surprise, what she told him was that it's ok if he's like that to everyone else but to not be like that to me because in the end I'm going to be the one that's going to be there for him through thick and thin. That I'm probably the one who babies him and takes care of him & I didn;t deserve that treatment. When he told her that it was true, I was taking care of him as much as I could and he was being grump with me she told him he either better cut it out or start getting used to being without me because everyone does have a tolerance level and he doesn't know how high mine goes. Since then, I noticed him being a little less grumpy with me.
I think it's ironic how our personalities are so alike. He just can not fathom the idea that I went to baseball games just for one thing. The truth is, I told him that because it was half true. I actually substituted my loneliness for physical satisfaction, which in all truth, left me unsatisfied nonetheless. He can't fathom the idea that I, his loving sweet girlfriend, was a different person back then. I guess I can't understand because I experienced it and I knew what my motives were. I on the other hand, can not fathom why he would procreate TWICE with someone (I later found out) although they were accidental pregnancies. Now he is very adamant about using a condom with me. I argued onced that if he really cared about me then why wouldn't he worry about using one considering we're supposedly "spending the rest of our lives together" compared to when he was so careless not to use one. He argued saying that it was because he cares for me, that he wants me to succeed in my career that he doesn;t want anything getting in the way. At least not right now and not until I'm ready. I'm still debating whether or not that is a bull shit answer as a cover up or if that is genuinely true. There are ten times more sweet things that he tells me that I could just gush about, like how he said he felt depressed about not working because he can't afford to buy me a ring then I find the James Avery Fall '11 catalogue marked on the corners of pages with promise rings and the like. This past Sunday when I got sick after a night of partying like a rock star (which he said was an amazing time he had not had in the longest time), he took care of me. He even made me soup while I was asleep and went to the grocery store to get me gatorade. When I woke up he kept saying it scared the life out of him seeing me sick as I'm always the strong one between the two of us. He kept calling me his future wife all day. He said not even during his exes two pregnancies did he take care of her like that. Which reminds me of a different point that points in his favor. He said that people would tell him how usually the man gets pregnancy symptoms from the woman but he never got anythingwith his ex. Well, a few months ago it he started getting a pimple here and there. About a week after every pimple I started my period. I guess we're that close emotionally and spiritually, right? Anyway, I could go on forever with the pros and the cons. If you added up more cons than pros, I think the pros would definitely be worth it.

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