I’ve restarted my self harm free journey recently. I’m at one week now. It’s still healing. I haven’t shown or told anyone. I can’t they’d over react and I’ve got so little right now as it is. I screwed up real bad in my almost 8 year long relationship and I was so lost. I know I’m not in the clear I have a long lonely path ahead of me. No more social media minimal friends. Before anyone jumps to judging no I didn’t have a physical relationship with another person. I was lonely and searched for a friend. I made friends with a girl with similar hobbies and similar traumas I opened up to her and she comforted and manipulated me in a way they made the connection seem bigger then a friend. I’ve learned from my mistakes and at this point don’t feel like people are worth meeting anyways so I deleted everything and have been spending my nights alone waiting for him to return home. I sit and watch tv I try to game but it’s not the same alone. I’ve tried to pick up hobbies but what’s the point if only I will ever know anything I do happens or exists. Like yeah some things are great just for me. But who wants a billion things they can never talk about? My life feels so empty and I don’t really know what to do about it. I want to save this relationship even though everyone calls it bad and toxic. Sometimes ok a lot of times I get stuck zoned out on my thoughts it’s been happening more and more lately. Part of me is stuck on what is the point of being alive? If I’m happy with my bf. I’ve got my first home at 23. I’ve got an adorable dog that just turned 2. I’ve got at least 3 people I can talk to and my family is back. Yet once I’m alone I feel so sad and drained. No matter how happy I was at home with my boyfriend or out doing fun I just shut down as soon as my body realizes I have the opening to. It’s been like that for a while tbh. I thought I was just unhappy with my relationship but even when everything is or way good I still hurt so much. I could never end myself but I really wonder why I’m still here most of the time. I feel like it’s all wastes on someone who finds no worth in themselves or their life. Idk my brain is always a jumble I doubt any of that made sense.