Basically for weeks I was feeling left out by my two friends, Blue and Kyle. We’re in this group chat and they were acting like more of a duo and making me and a handful of others feel excluded and left out.

And few weeks ago I had a spiral when I was begging for validation in this vent group chat

I didn’t realize Blue hadn’t seen it bc he has it muted and that made me upset

So I vented in this gc I have with my friends Jean, Ann, and KJ just to get my hurt feelings out and I said things I shouldn’t have and still deeply regret

KJ told Blue how some of us were feeling in this whole letter and Blue responded, and KJ showed that response

I said something really rude that I shouldn’t have and just wish I didn’t say

I was hurting because I had had a spiral that morning due to having BPD and panicking over this whole situation

And I felt guilty about it literally all day so I relayed an apology through Sol which was another mistake, because I should have just gone to Blue directly

I fucked everything up bc I was bitter and hurting and afraid to communicate

They’re also saying I said mean things about Kyle’s art, but I laughing along with KJ, not even agreeing, bc I didn’t know how to say “uhh no? Not really? I like it”

I was hurting because I had had a spiral that morning due to having BPD and panicking over this whole situation

I only wanted Blue to say sorry because they had done things that had hurt me, but the issue was I never communicated with them over it

Well I did one time and they just didn’t say sorry

And I talked with Blue the following Friday and they were really mad at me

They say we aren’t best friends anymore

Blue said they still care about me but with how they said I’m not their best friend anymore I was just worrying myself sick over this

And I just want them to talk to me and for it all to be okay again

I felt abandoned and alone and I’m so upset and scared of slipping up again

I was actually so manic I had to talk to 7 crisis line agents over the course of 2 days to calm down

And that Saturday I was kicked out of the group chat we’re all in and my other friend Kyle was angry because this is the second chance I’ve had and I messed it up.

I always mess everything up and I’m so tired of it!!! I’m so tired!!!

And Blue even asked me “what is wrong with you”

And I wanted to tell him it was of my BPD but I was afraid he’d see it as an excuse

And recently I had been very slowly starting to do better but I saw a notification on my friend’s account because I’m logged in there too

Where Kyle called me a lying backstabbing bitch, and indirectly calling me a shitty person and that basically made me emotionally relapse

And the worst part is it was on my birthday

And the day after was even worse because of something that happen in real life where a family member was inappropriately touching me

And the day after that it just kept getting worse and worse

Because a while ago one of my friends Humix who I texted and just sent a silly meme of a cat to where the caption says “send this to a pretty princess” and then Humix texted that group chat telling them I texted and that made me hurt so badly

And I’ve been like just unbearably lonely

I’m embarrassed to admit this to anyone but I went swimming the day after my birthday at a pool party and all and afterwards I didn’t even shower I just went straight to bed

My favorite pillow smells a little like chlorine goddamn