I haven’t been online much lately because quite alot has been happening. Well, in my head, at least. I had another scan on the 23rd of October, and this time we heard the baby jumping around, which made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I felt him/her kick too Tuesday night of this week, which was wierd and exciting. the wierdest thing about it is that unlike on other occasions, this time I knew it was the baby. It was as though that was precisely what I’d expected. Pregnancy is a strange and wondrous beastie…!
I have a job, though by sitting here right now I could be jeopardizing that. I feel very guilty, but I woke up this morning and felt so incredibly exhausted it was unreal. I also had a headache and felt sick, but that’s a pretty general thing. The tiredness is something that has really hit the last week/ten days, and my bump has grown in that time, so I’m fairly sure it’s the consequence of a growth spurt. I called in with ‘migrane’ as my reason, as no-one really takes you seriously when you say ‘I feel incredibly tired…’ I knew they’d laugh in my face. They may yet, as there’s a very strict attitude towards lateness and no-attendance. I was warned by my agency that they would not tolerate either in the first week, but i hope they’ll bear my circumstances in mind. Plus, I’ve had all my training, so it’s not as if by not working today I’m missing something I can’t easily catch up on. Who knows.
I have to apply for a flat now, or I wont get one after the baby’s born. I really want someplace to live with my boyfreind and our baby . Just, to be a family. He has finally agreed not to shoot off to foreign climbs next sept. for 2 years, which is a huge huge load off my mind. Instead we’re both staying put and he’s gonna do a Masters. We had a blazing row a week ago and I nearly left him, but I love him too much to give up that easily, and on reflection should probably have stayed to work it out rather than go through all those dramatics. Mind you many women have done worse when pregnant – one said she left her husband because he ‘tidied the living-room wrong’! It’s very strange being so emotional. One of the pregnancy websites I was looking at the other day described it in a way that makes good sense, and matches my own evaluation of it – your body puts you through a prolonged period of heightened emotion so that any issues you’ve been evading which could be a problem in the future come to the fore (whether you like it or not) and it’s natures way of preparing you for motherhood . Catharsis through melodrama! It certainly seems very sensisble, and I find the little white lies I used to tell my partner “I’m not upset, just tired…” etc. when something was niggling at me but I was afraid of being unreasonable have fought thier way out into the open. I see also since they have, that hiding even the most trivial of feelings has been part of the problems in my relationship with my boyfreind. Being evasive about a small thing leads to a sense of guilt at concealment and a hint of resentment for feeling that you are trapped with that white lie, which somehow reaches my sweetie as “You don’t really love me…!” boo-hoo-hoo. I am in a way quite glad I’m so emotional, because I’m learning so much from it. About me, about my partner, and about our relationship.
Well, I’m gonna shoot now. Thought it was about time I caught up with you all. Will try to blog a little more often. Byeee! :wacko: