12:41 pm 8/10/09 Monday
I was up till 4 am working on a project. I am feeling anxious that I am falling further behind. I am getting stuck on listening to the radio, Dr. Laura. I just shut off the radio so that I can write. I should review my calender. I missed a critical meeting at 9:30 am that I forgot all about because I resent checking my calender. I feel like I am being bossed around and I get passive aggressie and refuse to check my calender which then results in my missing critical meetings due to my self-sabotaging passive aggressiveness whch is really only hurting me. There is a part of me that feels like a defiant rebellious kid who wants to be truant from school and then feels upset because i am flunking. However sticking with a schedule feels like i am being forced to submit and capitulate and I hate the feeling of having to be submissive (even if it is for something appropriate and important). My dad was like this. He was very passive aggressive and defiant and it destroyed a lot of his life. I unconsciously model myself after my dad and feel nervous and anxious when I try to act more healthily because it means having to seperate from my neurotic identification with my neurotic dad who I love but who was also very immature in many ways. Growing up emotionally means having to sever the bonds of unconscious identification with my dad and that terrifies me. I want to cling to my idenffication with him at one level even though it is killing me. I know that Jesus talked about letting the dead bury the dead and not turning back or else how can you plow a straight line. Help me Jesus to do the right thing even though it is very scary and hard.
12:49 (8 minutes of blogging)
Need to get organized and refresh my to do list. This means taking responsibility and growing up and I fear and hate the anxiety associated with growing up. I have this deeply ingrained belief that I am going to screw up so why bother trying. Better to numb my anxieties with frivilous distractions. Yet another part of me asks God for help in growing up. Here i am , over 50, and I still feel like an incompetent kid who is going to get castrated if I try to play in the big leagues.
12:55 ( nine plus three equals 12 minutes)
Need to work on several important papers and projects and part of me just wants to throw in the towel because I fear i can't pull off and complete the projects. Another part of me fears that if I did succeed, I would be overwhelmed by positive emotions and explode, that I can't emotionally handle happiness, that the feelings would be too intense for me to bear, like someone whose skin has been peeled away being sprayed with burning chili oil.
12:58 (12 plus 3 equals 15 minutes of blogging, i like to keep track of how many minutes I am bloggin).