I looked throught he mood list and read them all, then re-read them…then read them again and still nothing , cos i dont know how im feeling you know? I just have so much goiing on in my head…nothing bad but its nothing paticurally good either..its just a load of crap really if im honest.

Il be finished in my clinic soon if all goes to plan and even thoguh thats what i want im also scared too… i hadnt really thought about this before , well not much or enough anyway. I dont want to be on phy for the rest of me life,  dont  want to be hanging around clinics, having to piss in a cup cos im not trusted not to do drugs  , or have to be chacked up on or whatever the reason is, i dont want to be a government junkie the rest of my life, to be owned by doctors …. But iv found some sort of solace in that clinic, iv found some good people- dme fucking great people, who dont look down on my cos i have a addiction, they dont treat me like im a piece of shit, they talk t me like im a normal person, they laugh an joke with me and if i need to talk they talk to me about whatever is on my mind.

I wont have my methadone to hide behind anymore which is a weird thought that just came tumbling out and ive never said it r thought it before.. I wont have it to hide behind though- to protect me from my addiction , from myself, from heroin , from fucking life. When im all done with it , it will be just me again and im ok with that  but im not ok with what 'me ' might do?? I know for definate that i dont want to go back on heroin..although i still do love it so much. I love the thoght of it, the feeling it gives me when i have my first smoke-when my shoulders collape and my chest falls down as i exhale and in that breath all my worries and fears and enxiety leaves my body and i feel relaxed, happy , peaceful, stoned , i dont gve a fuck cos all thats going on in my body an mind is all tjay ,atters in that moment………….and more of  the best fucking feelins iv ever felt .The ability it has to take  away my sickness in my body and in my mind but that sickness is created BY heroin and i hate that. I hate that it took away my feelings, my passion for life, it took away my life and even thguht iv tried hard ive never gotten it back, its different now and not a day goes by that i dont think abouth heroin, about doing it, abiout feeling those feelings one more time- but i wont do it…not today anyway. I wont be protected cos i know when im off phy i can get stoned again, an by that i mean with out the phy in my body , the gear will work again..it will be able to take its full effect on me, the effect i want so much and i hate so much aswell. I wont have to give urines and i know without them that i can get away with doing any drug. I wont have any of it, and im scared what all that will do to me. I dont want to be an addict, i dont want to be a junkie ….i jjus want to be happy.

I wont use today  but i cant say what will happen tomorrow, all i can say is that i dont WANT to use tomorrow.

Why am i doubting  myself so much or am i ? maybe im just saying ti how it is? or am i not ready to come off the methadone.

I wish i had him here with me, when he is there i can face the world. Why did i have to throw i all away? well i know why and i know why he accecpted it but it doesnt make it any better….. he was an addict, i was an addict, Im clean, he is still an addict. I want him back and want to be happy with him……forever nand i know i am on h8is mind every day an i have been fo rthe last 5 years. I wonder if he went into treatment? I wonder if it wll work? I hope it will.

I havr to stop thinking like this, eben as i write it i know i have to stop it even before the words come  out, but its done now, in black and white , it cant be undone –                              just like the past.