so this is completely random, but i def. need to get it out. i have had a really good day. everything about today i loved. i woke up at 7 and i went out to eat with another recovering addict, the one i clean for. i clean his house just about once a week and he appreciates the help, as i appreciate the money of course lol anyways….he and i had some good conversations about recovery and life. he has a lot of clean time, like 13 years i believe? but when i was done cleaning he had the TV on to a preacher. and while he was in the other room talking on the phone, i sat and listened to this preacher guy on tv and let me tell ya know that everything he said I NEEDED TO HEAR!!! it was completely amazing. i'm not one for religion, but i do and have always believed in a higher power, which i call god….the guy on tv talked about how god forgives us for our sins, but how we can't forgive ourselves? he talked about how the devil will play over these tapes in our minds, of our sins and our regrets and how that's his job….to tortue us in our minds…. how sometimes we sit and think and think and dwelll on all this horrible crap we have did in our past, and how it's the devil man…and how if we listen to his tapes, to these thoughts, we can't grow spiritually, we don't have faith in ourselves let alone a higher power…  (i do this often) lol don't know about anyone else, but i sit and think about everything i did wrong and i regret sooo much, but deep down i know that everything i did and everything i regret, i really don't even regret it at all because i learned lessons, and i wouldn't be the person i am today. =) anyways… it really opened my mind up! wow.. . because i'm not one to believe in jesus lol ya know.. i mean i believe he exsisted, but i don't believe in worshiping him. sorry if that's offensive, but like i said i was sooo open minded and i learned a lot from just listenin and opening my mind. sooo my day was good. we went to the movies and saw  house bunny…lol which i wasn't too interested in, but once again i was open-minded and went and it was SOOO funny there was a part in it that i laughed harder than i think i ever had! lol just today i learned so much. it's beautiful. i was just listening to kristen, my girlfriend play guitar and i thought about how wonderful life is and how sometimes i don't see how truely grateful i am to be alive, to be a part of something like this…like life, ya know? and i thought about my friend shelly who jus recently took her life and how i miss her and wish she could feel what i feel right now, how i wish all the people out there who died… could just be here…to enjoy life. but i know they all died and they are gone for reasons i sometimes, possibly never will understand. all i know is that i am for a reason and i'm not giving up…because i know things can get bad… i have felt it all before, but i live for days like these and moments that are divine. ya know? lol i could continue on with this, but my point is that i'm growing and i'm seeing the truth man. i'm seeing why sometimes things get bad and then get worse, then get a little better, but still suck, but then they are ok, then awesome…lol the hollercoaster of recovery..of life…i know i have to be patient, i want it all now, but i know that my HP has it man and i know he's got my back and i'm just grateful to be alive and clean today =)