I haven't slept in nearly 24 hours. Nor have I eaten more than a couple bites of soup. No, I'm not sick… Well physically. I am sane today. I am sober. It has been a long few hours. A “dark night of the soul” (extra credit points if you know where that quote originally came from).Working on my sobriety has helped me engage with my daughter more. She is two on Wednesday. She has grown so fast. I'm sad I will miss out on parts of her life from this point on. But I'm determined to be the best father I can be for her. And I can only do that if I'm sober. Temptations have been few. I wish I could say far between though. I received messages from two different former acting out partners in the span of an hour yesterday. And just a couple hours before that I received word that my marriage was, in fact, over. I'm not going to play the victim. I'm not going to resort to blaming my abuse as a child or the enmeshment or emotional incest that took place. I'm going to accept things…. those things that I cannot change. And I'm continuing to change the things that I can…. Myself being the main thing. By doing this I will be able to maintain a very healthy relationship with my daughter as she grows. I'm not going to worry about when I will get to see her again. I'm going to prepare for that time, whenever it may be, by continuing to be sober and sane. I will enjoy my time with her to the very fullest. I will be a better father to her with each new sunrise. I will be better to myself as well… Valuing myself. Not just giving myself away to just anyone for a quick dose of ego-tripping sex. I have a lot of years and a lot of transgressions to think about as I work on my first step. I pray for myself that it truly is a first step towards healing.

1 Comment
  1. Snowbird 11 years ago

    It's so great to hear that you are taking care of yourself. If you don't work on you first you will never be able to be the best Dad you can be for your young daughter.  I know how hard it can be to stay focused and not shove those feelings down behind a denial curtian and it is refreshing to see you embrace your issues and work through them to become a healthier and more whole person. Bravo! You seem to be on the road to success! Thanks for sharing your journey, even during the tough stuff

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