I did a 12 step call yesterday… starting at one in the morning, Hoop and I got out of bed when the phone rang. My old sponsee was calling for help. We got her out of a dangerous situation… cocaine, alcohol, cops, guns, terrorist threats, and police chases were all involved it the evening. Her abusive boyfriend is still in jail. I can only hope he stays there long enough for her to get her life together. (He cheats on her several times a month, controls everything she does, including not going to meetings, and I believe pimps her out for cocaine). He's a racist, homophobe, and male chauvinist; so if you know me at all, you know I'd like to rip him limb from limb.
We brought her to our house. Talked to her for hours about the insanity she had brought into her life in the few short months since she relapsed. She told me she was done and ready to be clean and sober. But, I will admit, the stench of alcohol in my home was making me antsy.
I told her I would help her pack and move out of the boyfriend's house. I recommended she change her phone number. I told her to get to meetings and keep in close contact with me and her friends in the program.
Well, in less than 24 hrs, she was missing her boyfriend and taking drugs to sleep. She is trying to talk her friend out of pressing charges against her boyfriend. She has none of the "normal" emotions I see when someone re-enters recovery and sticks.
I know better than to work on assumptions… but I ASSUMED when she called me and told me she was ready that she was serious. Or does she just know me well enough to know I would get her out of the situation safely no matter what.
So here's where I need feed back… Do I let go? Do I chase her? Do I make her work for it? This will be hard, and I'm not afraid of hard work, but am I wasting my time? I think maybe I just got used…
Thank you guys for helping me simplify this in my head! The truth is often so straight forward and my head gets to busy to see the simplicity!
You can lead a horse to water, but holding it’s head under won’t do you any good either!
I appreciate you guys a lot!
u did not get used ! u did ur job ! ur real job is in giving back no matter what. think back how it was for u – if this girl ever get’s clean she will be doing the same as u tought her to do. that is how it works. i feel to never give up hope on anyone that is the last thing we have a true feeling.. "hope without dope" glad some are still working night’s ! u & the hoopster 1 day i will get back to doing the same . Skagary
gotta let it go and turn it over,,,your part is done
dear we never waste our time..you did what you thought you needed to do..we make choose our own path in life good or bad..now you need to turn it over to your higher power and let him deal with it..just hold the faith..we can’t win every war when it comes to addiction..but we can put one foot in front of the other and make it one day at a time…keep her in your prayers and god will walk with her…love ya darlin take care…
I do not think you were used I think you and Hoop responded like anyone one of us would trying to help someone like someone helped us. I have been through a similar situation a couple years ago when a good friend of mine just let herself go. I bent over backwards to help her forgetting at times about myself and my responsibilities. This is a very tough situation especially when there is abuse involved you can feel very helpless and at the same time guilt for not being able to do anything about it. In NY state we have what is called a mental hygiene arrest. This is what I had to do for my friend because I reached a point where I just could not do it anymore and it was wearing me thin. The police come and basically arrest you to the hospital until you are better or they feel your safe to yourself to be let go. Of course doing this caused one hell of a verbal assault towards me and of course I was an asshole for doing it to her and how could I blah blah blah. At that point I really didn’t care what she said and knew it wasn’t her and also knew she would eventually thank me for forcing her to take the first step. She was in the hospital for a month before they decided she was safe to leave. I visited her after a week to give her time to cool down and think about why I did why I did it. When I saw her she broke down in tears and thanked me at the same time she apologized which wasn’t needed. She has been sober since and is doing great. I do not think this works for all and ultimately I believe the same as others that people really need to want it for themselves to get right but a little extra push never hurts. Good luck and keep us up to date with your friend.
– Jimmy