Feeling a little better.  Still feel like I am disgusting, but that will pass. 

Charlie told me, on the way back fro outpatient, that he had told the doctors my whole story.  He was nervous, because he thought I’d be mad at him.  I wasn’t.  I was really glad, actually.  It made me feel better to know that the doctors decided I needed the pain killer, in spite of the whole situation.  It made me feel less shady.  He said the doctors didn’t think this was withdrawal, given how long I’ve been off.  They think it’s my chronic stomach condition flaring up – that it was masked by the drugs, so, it seems extreme to me, now.  They gave me some stuff that shoudl help ease up my symptoms (with the cramping, and the intestinal spasms – THANK GOD).  I guess, I just feel better that knowing all the facts, a doctor thought I needed that shot of dilaudid.  And, I was in terrible shape.  Sweating sheets, twitching, in agony, crying and whining from the pain, and puking every few minutes.  I guess, I could’ve wound up choking on my own vomit, or going into shock, so as the options go…  even if it wasn’t ideal, I am glad I went to the hospital instead of calling upon an illicit home remedy.

 

I worry that the people who ask me to lean on them won’t be able to take the weight.  I am really hard to deal with, sometimes.  I could easily overwhelm  any number of well-intentioned people.  Hell, what I am going through could easily overwhelm even a very caring, very nuturing person.  But, the person I’ve been leaning on the hardest isn’t an ordinary person.  He’s stronger and smarter than most.  He’s downright amazing.  But, I can be hard enough to deal with that I still worry.

I need to get those stupid doubts out of my head – it’s just the post acute withdrawal and the bipolar making me paranoid. I trust Ace – he wouldn’t ditch out on me.  He has my complete trust.  He’s been an incredible friend, and deserves better than for me to doubt him – I’m just not thinking straight.  Gotta shake the paranoia…  I trust Ace.  I’d trust him with my life.  And, in a way…  I’ve done that.

Need to pay some bills today…

Now, I am off to the post office to mail a friend a present.  It’s a two block walk, and I feel up to it, right now.  It’s nice out. 

GOAL OF THE DAY:  To b*tch less…  I gripe about EVERYTHING, all the time.  Wah, wah, wah…   need to be better company…

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