I have no idea how to do this. From what I gather it's like an online journal that other people can read. Here goes: I started using Vicodin when I was 25 years old in 1997, the same year I got married and the year after I had graduated from LVN (nursing school), My only son was 6 at the time. I never loved the man I married in a passionate kind of way, I believed that I had spent all of my emotions on my sons father. Anyway, he asked and I said yes and I want to say it worked out for a while but it didn't, I buried a little more of myself every day while trying to be the perfect wife, mother, daughter, sister, grand daughter, etc, etc. He worked evenings so we only ever passed each other anyway, but my mom kept saying I couldn't leave him because he was so good with my son. No he wasn't, he scared him. It wasn't out of respect that he "minded" it was fear. But I kinda let that go too because he was only with us 2 nights a week (his off nights) I hated marriage and I wasn't that fond of my husband but I hated myself too. I was convinced that I was a complete waste of space and I thought alot about suicide. My pill use progressed (as they all do) and I began to drink when I ran out of pills. I was at this point committing multiple felonies to keep a constant supply of pills, my mom was using also and insisted wedivide every rx right down the middle which led to each of us calling in more and more pills not to be high anymore, just to function. We both got caught by the police at about the same time. My mom just lost her job. I was arrested and took a deal for deferred adjudication probation. Should've listened to people with more experience. I made it less than 2 years on the deferred probation when I failed (another) UA. They scheduled a hearing in front of the judge and he sentenced me to 6-18 months in a treatment facility (Rehab). However my lawyer wasn't at that hearing and the UA never came back so I was off the hook. I took that as a sign from God that I couldn't get caught so I pushed even harder. I took more pills, I lied to anyone I talked to, I stole from my family, I had car accidents, I made excuses for whatever I thought needed an excuse. In short, I was a piece of shit with no hope of changing so I just threw my hands up and said "whatever's gonna happen is gonna happen" and that enabled me to stop worrying about it. At this point I was taking 40-48 Norco 10mg daily and I had no fear of the consequences anymore. I would have happily just stopped existing if that had been an option, but it wasn't. So, I kept going to probation and tried to keep my pill use a secret from anyone, especially people that cared about me. I was afraid they'd make me stop and that was the most painful thougnt I'd ever had up until then. I can never, echo, echo, use again. That's how it sounded in my head, all dramatic with an echo. I was fine, everyone else was over-reacting. But then I messed up. I got a new job at a nursing home (my 6th job in less than 6 months) and they didn't count narcotics after the evening shift so I couldn't wait to get back the next night and make sure it wasn't a mistake. It wasn't, so I took about 50 or 60pills. I was obviously fired for suspicion of stealing, they could never prove it. Then I started deliverying meals on wheels for community cervice. And when the little elderly people invited me in it was like I was compelled to open the cabinets, the pantry. I remember not wanting to do it but doing it anyway because my only choices were:

A) Take nothing, feel horrible mentally and physically B)Take the Pills, feel a littlle better physically but have overwhelming guilt C) Leave the pills alone, feel horrible and wonder why i didn't just take the pills.

I took from the wrong person, probation called me in for a ua, which I failed, About a month later around 11:15p.m. my son came into my room and told me the sheriff was there. We live in the country, that wasn't unusual, cows get out and stuff like that all the time but that time he was there for me, handcuffs and all. I was the first person to ever be arrested in my family and I really thought it wouldn't happen to me. I have to go to bed. To be continued I guess