I feel like I've had a bit of a setback tonight. I was okay for most of the day, then when I was driving to a café to do some writing, I heard an odd noise in my car, a weird little twittering, sounded almost birdlike. I couldn't figure out what it was, and it stopped after a couple of minutes. Then some ridiculous part of my head asked myself, "What if I imagined it? What if it was all in my head?" Then, of course, I had an absurd fear: "What if I start hearing voices?" One of my obsessions is that I'm pretty much every brand of "crazy." Most of me knew I was being ridiculous, but the anxiety always seems to scream louder than anything else. I could feel my heart racing for the next couple of hours, and I've been a little on edge for the rest of the night. I'm sure it didn't help that I had a dose of caffeine courtesy of the latté I usually drink while I'm working on my writing. I told myself when I went in that it was a bad idea, but somehow the idea of changing a routine didn't really appeal to me. I guess it was counterproductive, given that it involved caffeine, but when my anxiety hits, I somehow tend to cling to familiar things, even things as mundane as a cup of coffee.

 

If someone else were posting this, I'd be quick to give words of encouragement and say that we all hit little stumbling points now and then, but I feel a little disappointed, considering I was so hopeful the other night. On the other hand, I'm trying not to be too hard on myself – thinking too much about it and dwelling on what this little hiccup in my upward climb means is only going to make things worse. Of course, there's that tiny part of me that worries that my ups and downs make me bipolar. It occurred to me tonight that if everything I ever feared were true, I'd probably be the world's first schizophrenic bipolar sociopath (oh, and I'd have brain tumors and cancer pretty much everywhere). Looking at it from that perspective, it's kind of difficult not to slap myself upside the head and tell myself I'm being an utter twit.

 

I still haven't gotten into CBT yet. The therapist I'd had picked out called me after she got back from her vacation, told me she doesn't have availability for evening appointments right now, and she's considered "out of network" for my insurance plan. Without the insurance, appointments with her are going to cost me $125 each. There's just no way I can manage that, and my insurance will be nonexistent within the next few weeks anyway when my job lays me off. For now, I guess I'm on my own – with the OCD workbook and peer support, that is. And there are much worse positions a person could be in.

3 Comments
  1. hekla2002 11 years ago

    I am so thinking of you. I have actually developed the same obsession lately, wondering if those little house noises you hear, are they just me imagining it all. I often wonder if I am just plain nuts…but then, I guess if you are wondering if you are crazy, you aren't completely there yet. When I start running in circles naked in my front yard with a fly swatter looking for fairies, I'll let you know. Then, I will be completely done.

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  2. bluerosie 11 years ago

    I've done that, too–heard things, freaked out that I just imagined them….  And I've wondered the same thing!  Who knew there were more of us out there?  I've wondered if I was Schizophrenic, bipolar, delusional in other ways….  I've freaked out about other medical concerns, as well.  Some were legitimate concerns, but I definitely overreacted.  Others….  Usually concerning my pets, though.  "Did my dog always look like that?"  "Is this cat too skinny?"  It's OK to wonder about those things, but then I could not stop thinking about it and freaking out!  Argh!  And other things are utterly ridiculous! 

    I can also relate to your financial situation….  I cannot begin to afford therapy–not even sure I could take the stress of going at the moment, though I would like to try just to make sure I do everything right.  (Stupid doubts kicking in again….)  I've started on Prozac, so hopefully that will help.  So we'll be doing "therapy" the free way–online with each other and others for support.  As you said, not the worst place for us to be.

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  3. ancientgeekcrone 11 years ago

    Since your ocd was already acting up on the way there, that if having a calming herbal tea may have been a choice that at least wouldn't overstimulate you.

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