Here's my timeline leading up to my current confused state. I'm hoping that this site is small enough that someone will actually read this and big enough that someone can relate…

I am OCD, Bi-Polar, ADHD, and Epileptic. Awesome combination, huh? In 2004 I was sent to a shrink and told i was depressed, was given meds and then went insane. I did all the classic Bi-Polar stuff (Spent $300 on toys and sporting goods at walmart once and i was 23 and didnt play sports, Drug problems, Etc…). I eventually ended updoing a outpatient psychological program where i was told i was Bi-Polar and the last couple years of my life where in part due to the fact thar i was hypo-manic for up to 2yrs. Good times.

The OCD was diagnosed after i had gone through 7 psychologists and no one was helping me get better. Myrecent doctor wanted no past medical history, he said he wanted to start withablank slate (still think thats odd). After months of getting frustrated with him because i didnt know what thehell he was trying todo for me and didnt understand the direction of histherapy i finally asked him ifhe thought i had bi-polar. He said iwas moderate to severe case of ocd and that he also believes i have a pretty severeemotional deficiency that is preventing me fromexperiencing feelings correctly.(I literally just realized hedidnt specifically say bi-polar….)

So that was the medical stuff. I am obssessed with being efficient.My days are structured down to the minute (Maybe in a future blog ill write down my daily schedule just for fun) (I seem to like parenthesis today).If you watched the ocd project i ama combination of theyoung blond guy and the blondchick. side note:I watch that show and everytime i see them get over something i just start getting pissedand want to break my hand(i have acompulsion that comes andgoes where i hit my hand on the floor, i have broken ittwice, I shattered aknuckle and tendons and have a punch of scar tissue but do i stop? Of course not because i am crazy)because iam soooo jealous of the people on the show for getting better i dont know what to do with myself.I have sent so many letters and emails to get on the show i dont its embarassing. I have become obssessed with Dr. Tolin. Of course its so awesome that i related closest with the blonde girl who he suggested going straight to another in-patient program…

My problem is thatIam a complete anutter failure at therapy and treatment in general. I have no idea how to spot my ocd and bi-polar symptoms and also have no idea how to tell them apart.My ocd is just consistently getting worse. I have this picture in my head of my Bi-Polar standing behind my ocd biding its time ready to spring at me at anytime. I'm ruining my marriage, its making me hate so many things its not funny. I come home from work sometimes and just stand in the middle of the room for hours until my wife gets home from work because i cant decide what to do with myself (I have serious problems deciding things because im sure ill get it wrong and that includes deciding what to say to someone and that is no good in a marriage).

The best part is that i halucinate,how awesome is that!!Oh and ironically i can spill my heart out and talk to people on the internet and text messages but anywhere else….and im like a vegitable….

I better end this now. Anyone similar to me? I need to know im not the only one failing and the only one with bi-polar and ocd, I feel like im all alone with it and no one can understand me. I wish this site work on my phone…

2 Comments
  1. Snug9 11 years ago

    I think no matter how many doctors you go to they will come up with a different diagnoses for you because believe it or not everything mocks everything else…ptsd mimics bi-polar and so on…. I have been called many things as well the two I mentioned above are some more of them..  severe major depression, adhd, border line personality disorder…. I am not very responsive to meds… right now I am trying some adhd meds and I think I have been pissy towards everyone since I started taking them… to figure out which one works best.  I  also go  spend money when I get in a certain mood which lucky for me isn't that often as I don't have much money….I have a very hard time making up my mind too…I think you will find on this site that this is a community of people all very similar to each other and I hope you find the friends on here that will help you.  I have never ever felt judged on here and I know you won't either… Good luck to you and stay strong

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  2. deuce222 11 years ago

    Thanks alot .  I am on risperdol, lamictal, addoral and depakote, i always wonder why i never seem better, i dont know just how much better meds are gonna make me feel cuz i know they wont make me perfect though.

    DPENN – i like your quote the only people that ive told are my mom who laughs about it and another person who gets mad at me everytime i do something crazy.  i have no support system. 

    Even better i am losing my job, my parents own a business that is under a coporation and they have put someone in place to get rid of me and my parents and they are making it ugly because the ceo has some personal problems with my dad.  so yeah stress out the ass and no release.  thats how i ended up needing to hit the cement floor of the warehouse every 15 minutes for 3weeks and i kept hitting it because i wanted to see how swollen i could get it…. now i have to wear a glove when its cold because the scar from shredding the tendons starts hurting really bad.

    Dont know why you need to know that…. i dont think im looking for pity, definately whining, im a very negative person apparently… haha

    oh yeah, for some reason i cant comment or blog using my phone, i cant get the cursor in the text area so i am gonna read more than i comment but i will do double duty typing when i am on a computer

    ok. im done now

     

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