I felt it. I could feel the old, to familiar feeling of the tension growing in my body. It was coming in waves. My world was starting to spin, everything was going upside down. I struggled to think to pull coherent thoughts together and get out of there. But he saw it. The one person I never wanted to see this was just now starting to realize what was going on, and there was nothing that I could do about it.

I wanted to run to just get out of there but as he gently moved me from the door I looked into his eyes, and understood that escape was impossible. Calmly he led me back to one of the bed rooms, then taking off my backpack, he softly coxed me onto the bed. I have no idea what happened next. I remember seeing his hand holding my meds in front of me. I couldn’t look at him, I just wanted to get out of there, I didn’t want this to be happening. I laid down. I could feel the muscles fighting and loosing in my body, I allowed it to shake me a bit. The room spun. I was conscience of him watching me and I fought to control my body, but I was loosing control fast. But I was lucky he had to go speak with someone and so I let my mind and body go into that nothingness.

My arm was killing me.. The pain was almost unbearable.. Then I felt him even without looking I felt his hand on my arm rubbing. Soft, steady, and warm. Steadily rubbing my arm, his gaze never shifting from me. I watched his hand afraid to look at him. I lost track of time and conversation, I knew time was passing and still he just sat there rubbing my shaking arm.

He insisted on doing the anointing, I tried to refuse. But he left to gather his stuff anyway. I laid there finally alone allowing myself to feel the tremors rolling throughout my body, I closed my eyes and let my body relax and shake, letting all control go. I could hear him coming back down the hallway, the familiar squeaking of the floor. I fought to regain control of my body. I didn’t look at him when he arrived, I didn’t have to . I knew what he held in his hands. The tools of his trade, the prayer book and the oil, both not very old but yet still worn. I wondered how many times he had sat in this very same place with these tools in his hands doing this very same thing. His manner was casual as he sat back down beside me on the bed , then looking at me he asked if I was ready, I don’t know if I answered him , I don’t think he expected me to really. And I watched his demeanor change as he started. It was stronger and more deliberate. And as he began he started rubbing my arm again. I soon lost his words in the panic my mind has when it starts to reel and flip. I struggled to control my body, and still I felt his hand on my arm. He touched my forehead, and I almost let go of the tremor running through me. I know he must have felt me holding it back. Then he touched my palms. Still he talked and rubbed. I have no idea how much time passed but I knew it was to late the seizure was getting ready to course through my body. I was loosing time again, things began to flip over, and as I let it go I heard him softly and firmly telling me that it was alright.

There were colors and sounds I knew none of them were there. everything gets so distorted time stops and I am in a silent world. There is nothing there no pain, no fear, no sound, nothing. I am aware of things around me but only in an abstract distant way. Then suddenly I am thrown back to consciousness. I feel my lungs struggling for air, my body racked with pain, I know I am being watched and suddenly conscience of my movements and sound . I am embarrassed. Then it stops everything relaxes, I am consciouses but my body is exhausted, and nothing I do can make it move.

I have lost all since of time. How much has passed, what have I done? I can’t remember. My body is not my own, I feel as if I am just a limp puppet in the hands of some crazed, mentally deranged Beckett steering the ship, and I pray for just one small moment of clarity. Then it comes.

I am suddenly aware of my body of the pain and exhaustion. I am aware of my surroundings and through the haze and confusion I hear him beside me, Glory to the father, the son, and the holy spirit. As always before, so now and ever more. I know the words well, and he continues to pray the rosary continuing to announce the mysteries to me ignoring the battle that is waging next to him.

Then everything starts to flip again and I lose all understanding and clarity. And I pray for it to stop, I plead that I can’t take much more, then I go blissfully into oblivion. And then my body sleeps.

2 Comments
  1. luvsangel 15 years ago

    so sad i only wish the best for you. You are in my prayers.

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  2. sweetsteph 15 years ago

    i agree very intense,and exciting ,hope you are doing good bam havent heard from you in awhile…love steph

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