I haven't had internet access for awhile, I think my modem is broken or something.  It was really a pain last night, when I got all panicky and couldn't distract myself online.  But it also made me realize I usually find a way to distract myself.  I don't have any full-on addictions, rather I have an assortment of peccadillos at my disposal to use to ignore my issues.  So, yeah, I'm addicted to distraction itself.  

I still don't really have internet access, but someone else's network is working for me at the moment, yesterday everyone was greedy with their bandwith for some reason. 

Anyway, I've been doing a lot of reading.  My therapist told me my father probably has a combination of narcissist, paranoid, and sociopathic personality disorders.  This means he actually has borderline personality disorder, which is the catch-all used when one personality disorder isn't sufficient.  I was already aware of the narcissism and paranoia, but reading about sociopaths has completely opened my eyes.  I finally understand so much of my past.  I always assumed the lies he told were lies that he convinced himself of first.  I assumed he was a bad person because he let himself be a bad person, because he cared more about his own interests than anything else.  Which is true, but unlike most selfish people, he completely skips the step of rationalizing.  He just fakes that part.

I don't know, but this is both terrifying and liberating.  Most, if not all, of my anxiety is related to my dad.  And while the idea that 1 in 25 people are sociopaths (according the book I'm reading, The Sociopath Next Door) might be frightening to some, it's a relief to me to find out the core difference between my father and other people doesn't exist in 24 out of 25 people.  It also means my fears about my dad aren't exactly irrational.  In fact, my emotions are completely rational responses.  Intellectually, I don't have much to be frightened of, because he doesn't want to go to jail or lose his reputation.

I've also been reading Abused Boys by Mic Hunter, I figured it might give me some insight into the different ways men respond to early childhood trauma compared with women.  It's actually been very helpful, I think a lot of the issues for abuse survivors are the same, regardless of gender.  However, there are definitely some differences, and it has been both an interesting and incredibly sad read.  It was also anxiety provoking.  I can't believe I didn't realize how much it would bother me to be reading this book.

Oh, and my brother is acting so creepy.  He reminds of my dad now.  I don't think personality disorders are genetic, but I also don't know if they're learned or not.   He blames me for his anger at me.  I guess I don't pay enough attention to him.  He keeps trying to get me to hang out with him, but I just don't want to.

Anyway, I had a good group therapy today, but I blew off the rest of my plans for the day because I was so anxious afterwards.  I came home (eventually, after wandering in my car for a while), and wound up hiding in my closet on the phone with Andy because my brother was trying to get me to hang out with him.  Since then I've been reading about sociopaths.  I know it sounds stupid of me to keep the anxiety triggers going, but I'm seeing my dad on Friday and I want to be as prepared as possible.  Although of course, according to this book, and the therapists, everything with a sociopath is a losing game.  I really can't be prepared, I guess.  I'm just so scared.

So now, I'm hungry and I feel too dizzy to go to the store, and I'm afraid I'll have to talk to my brother if I leave my room.  This is getting really sad.

I did get one idea from the Abused Boys book, I'm going to buy a stuffed animal from a toy store and take it with me and hide it in my suitcase during the day and sleep with it at night.  And no matter what my dad says or does to me, I'll just think about that animal being safe in my suitcase.  I know it sounds silly, but I just thought it might comfort my "inner child".   


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