EDIT: He left me.  Not because I'm OCD.  Not for anything.  I don't understand it.  He woke up one morning and felt completely different about me- literally.  Far less attracted to me and no longer in love with me.  He left.  We're still friends- I think it was a bit of his OCD that hurt him- he's having a rough time.  His family's falling apart, and his sister's dying of anorexia, and he thinks it's his fault and he works 12 hours a day and goes to school full time.  I'm sort of numb about it.  He's a good guy still- didn't mean to hurt me, but I don't know what I did wrong.  He says nothing, but I feel like I need to feel like I did something wrong.  Otherwise, I could do everything perfect and still get hurt and I feel like I don't want to consider the possibility of a reality where I could get hurt by things outside of my control.  Help. :'(

 

Came to college this past fall for freshman year… If you recall from my frantic forum posts, I was thoroughly terrified. But I'm incredibly happy here, and it's wonderful and I met a guy.

 

He's lovely, kind and funny and brilliant and wonderful.

 

And I told him everything about me, my control issues, my OCD, my depression, my anxiety, my bipolar disorder, my intrusive images that manifest themselves as pure hallucinations and my suicide attempt.

 

And somehow, he likes me anyway. He's got control issues of his own, a few extremely problematic phobias, a little bit of an obsessive personality, and is an emergency medical tech., so he's a little bit desensitized to people like me with issues like mine.

 

When I told him, he nodded, was understanding, and then asked, "but surely, you make jokes about it every once in a while?"

 

It sounds like he doesn't from that quote, but in fact, when he said that, I knew he understood perfectly, that even when my symptoms make me cry I still try to laugh at myself, because it keeps me sane and grounded and humble.

 

He told me later that those things I told him scared him, but that he didn't mind, that it was ok, especially since I'm scared all the time anyway.

 

I'm not a good girlfriend, I don't think. My meds ruin my sex drive (not that we have sex right now, I mean, I'm sort of meek in the physical-relationship-department), I'm incredibly inexperienced, I am not a smooth-talking romantic like he is, and I am constantly anxious, if not downright terrified. I'm afraid to talk with him, afraid to be touched by him, afraid to trust him (thats a major one) but he holds my hand while I try to, and I'm always able to, even if it takes an hour to work up courage.

 

Some days I feel like an absolute nutcase, and yet he loves me anyway. He's a good guy. It's nice to meet a good guy.

3 Comments
  1. Author
    dee89 9 years ago

    Thanks for giving me hope 🙂

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  2. Author
    weasel232k 9 years ago

     Haha lyra, that's exactly what I wanted to say but was afraid to say.  OCD does lend itself to humor quite easily.  And dee, I'm so glad I gave you hope; there are good people in the world.  Sometimes they're just hard to find.

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  3. Author
    DonnaM 9 years ago

      Just my thought (even if i'm basically a complete stranger), but having been there before, when things like that happen, they still love you, just cant know that because of the situation.

    But if they really had that kind of impact on you, and you really loved them, dont let them go. If its meant to be, its meant to be.
     
    And I think they'd agree!
    maybe not today, or tomorrow, but someday!
     
    Because people as special as that are far too rare.
     
    Hope that helps, and you're holding up hun.
     
    Stay Strong!
     
    DonnaM
     
    \"\"
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