I just realized that I haven’t been on here a lot. Mostly because my life and my own mind has become something different. I’m not meaning that its gotten better and I’m doing ok, but its the exact opposite. I didn’t want to burden anyone about my life, and that’s one of the reasons why I haven’t been on. But I think its time, that I just need to vent and let whats been happening off my shoulders.
I would say my depression, anxiety, and addiction are all connected. I’m having trouble with my family and my own identity so that has triggered my Depression and Anxiety to get worse. I have also conditioned my brain to think that drinking and doing drunks will cure my pain, but you know, got an addiction that’s so hard to break.
First I want to start with my parents. They make me feel like I can’t do anything on my own, that I can’t protect myself, that I need someone to control my life. They say they do it because they love me and want me to be safe. But when they say, we have to know what you’re doing and who your with 24/7, it gives me a different message then what they want it to be. I just hear “we don’t believe you can keep yourself safe and make your own decisions that will benefit you.” When I’m 18, I won’t have someone there to always protect me and if they don’t give me the chance now to somewhat control what I think is protecting me, how am I going to be able to figure out what is a red flag and what is not.
Second I’m having trouble with my own self awareness/identity. I don’t know what I am, what I identify as, and what attractions I have (romantically). I’ve questioned it so much that its starting to juggle and confuse me.
With all of these its really impacted my mental health. I get so much anxiety at social events, family hang outs, and other stuff. That might be a whole other thing that I may need to look at.
My depression has also worsened. I just feel as if I’m already far gone. So with that I try to fix it with alcohol and drugs and self-harm. But mainly, out of all of the stuff I try to do to fix it, I try to reach out to people who are in the spot were I use to be and I try to get them to shore before they’re chained to a iron chain and being dragged down to the sea. I think that if I help someone else that I may be able to break my chain and swim to shore and finally get a breath of fresh air.
Every minute of every day, I question life and its meaning. I know that everyone does that, but I don’t question life and its meaning in general, I question my life and my meaning to the world. Every parents, every person tells others that they have a purpose that they are special. But if everyone is told them, are they really special? or do people say that just to say it because everyone else is.
Is there a purpose in life?
Yes, no? I don’t know. I’ve said so many things like so many others. But the main thing I tell others is…
“You have a purpose no matter how small. It may not be clear now, but its there, waiting for you to discover it. I may need to dug and dug and dug till you think its not there. But keep going, keep digging, you will find it. You may not find it in a year or right away, you might even find it when you 50 years old, who knows? But I do know, you were born into this world for a reason. I may not believe in god, but life does not start and end, Life is were you go and make choices, bad or good, and make the most in the time you have. Don’t stop digging, keep on digging and find that purpose.”
But I can’t take in my own words and use them. I’ve stopped digging so many times that I don’t have the energy to keep going.
Please don’t stop digging, and if you see someone being dragged down by an enormous weight. Don’t wait, dive right in and help them break their chain instead of shouting from the shore doing nothing. They need you, no matter what they say, they need you.
I for one wish that someone just gave me a hug even when I said I was fine, because truly thats all I wanted. I wanted someone there when I started going down. I wanted someone to hold me and help me stand up on my feet again.
So I guess this isn’t just a vent but a call to others.
