Well, I just got done talking to C. The first thing he said was, "Well, I was thinking about it some more and I decided the friends with sex thing if probably the best for me right now."
So I said, "Well, first I need to make sure exactly what you mean by that, and how will that be different from what we had before, because it sounds the same to me, except using different terminology?"
And he said, "It's the same, except I don't have to worry about the future, and the pressure and expectations are off of me."
So I said, "Hmmm…..okay….."
Well, I'm not overjoyed about it. I am in love with this man.
But he is stubborn and I didn't think he was going to move back in my direction at all. He likes to make his mind up and stick with it….he had his mind dead set against getting back together with me at all. He was going to avoid being around me too much this summer so that we wouldn't "accidentally" start making out.
So I think, in this case, this is a step in the right direction.
This way I get to spend lots of time with him, and give him a chance to fall in love with me. He has admitted he's afraid it will happen. He wrote to me, with that charming English-as-a-second-language twist, that he's afraid this may be a "tender trap" set by me to catch him and get him to fall in love and convince him to get serious again…..well, he's exactly right. So I guess we both know what we're getting into, I know what he's afraid of, and he knows my feelings and what I would like.
So I feel as though he's giving me a chance in his own commitment-phobic way to prove to him that we should be together.
If he were really as stubborn and strong-willed as he thinks he is, he would stop talking to me all together. But he is being indecisive, so that gives me hope.
Okay, I admit it….I am very scared, and part of me is unhappy. The unhappiness is mostly because I don't know if this means he will be searching for someone else while still having sex with me. He doesn't seem like the kind of guy who would have sex with more than person at the same time but who knows? I mean, how do you even get mad about cheating when you're sleeping with just a "friend"? I know I wouldn't want to see anyone else or sleep with anyone else, though.
And there is a lot of uncertainty involved in this situation, which makes me uncomfortable. I don't know how to be just friends while having passionate sex with someone, and he told me yesterday that he doesn't know either. So does that mean we will really be more than friends? Or that he will think of me as a friend while I fall more deeply in love with him? Or that we will eventually decide to call it a relationship again? Or that one of us will decide it's too hard and break things off entirely?
Well, those are the things I need to discuss with him this weekend. We didn't have time to get to all that tonight. Maybe after I talk to him about it I will feel better.
I am going to stay with him on his sailboat for two nights this weekend, so I'm excited, sad and unsure all at the same time.
Oh, and I know some of you will think this is a big fat mistake, and it probably is. And you can tell me that you think so, or not, I don't mind either way.
And guys, I could use your input, especially you quiet or emotion-hiding guys. I'm curious what you think…..