Continuing with my journey of healing, I’m still striving to put my feelings out there regardless how difficult it is. Maybe it’ll give a person a feeling of not being along, maybe if I ever seek therapy to wrap my head around it, I can just hand over printouts of these blogs.
When I was very young, my brother and I woke up to hear my mother cry out at night, both of us ran into my parents room to see my father over my mother in their bed. My brother and I went under the covers with our mother and he slapped her across the face even though his two sons where there to witness. He left the room with the three of us still there which we stayed there for that night. This unfortunately would not be the first time he would physically abuse my mother in front of us. That night has burnt itself into my mind and I can never forget what my father looks like, because I just simply have to look in the mirror. I know I’m not ugly, but I don’t like the face staring back at me in that mirror and sometimes wondering how a mother could love someone that looks like her abuser.
Later on in life in my early 20s I really started to question my gender, although it was more subtle at first. I pushed the feelings down, hiding any existence of them from absolutely everyone and actively going out of my way to not seem interested. I even turning down to see a Drag show when I lived in a city with my best friend who is a lesbian and would be the last person to judge for my feelings. The older I got the louder these feelings to the point of finally telling my wife and best friend because although confusing, I felt partly alone in my silent struggle. My wife was/is still met with mixed emotions about it because she can’t help what she’s attracted to, and a vast majority of woman do not like soft men or cross dressers even when they are more accepting them in modern society.
I have a weird sense of not necessarily caring what the people individually think of me, but I don’t want the public eye of Sauron on me. My logic and emotions are not only ones fighting against each other on this, my logic feels “It is illogical to want to dress as a woman… but it is also illogical for it to be a big deal” and my emotions conflict “You have to do what makes you happy… but what if we end relationships?”. Societal norms are very much against go against the idea, even though cross dressing isn’t a new idea, it has been a thing for a big portion of human history and currently more accepted in Western culture than before. If I were actually brave enough to go out dressed as female, I’d be equally content with being left alone as I would accepted.
Unhappiness with ones body can come from different reasons that not necessarily mutually exclusive, it can seem illogical but doesn’t make those feelings invalid. These feelings can fester silently with people you see everyday and can make it hard to love ones self.
I thank you for the opportunity to have that glimpse into your life. I am really sorry that you and your loved ones went through those traumatic experiences… I am relieved to know that you all made it though that terrible time and it is no longer occurring. I am also glad to hear that you and your wife have been honest with each other and trying to work through things together, even though it is incredibly difficult at times. All you can do is put in the effort and hope for the best outcome.
Personally, I think it’s a great thing that you don’t deny your thoughts and feelings, even when they are conflicting with each other. Negative feelings are just as valid as positive ones. All emotions are all a part of the human experience and that’s the only way to continue to learn and make sense of the world, in hopes of gaining a better understanding of not only it but also our individual place within it. The goal is not to deny the existence of the negative, but to make sure not to get stuck in a toxic cycle, where it consumes your life and outlook.
When it comes to dressing in drag/cross dressing, what you said made me think of something. In the past it was perfectly acceptable for AMAB people to wear a dress. It was also a common practice for both AFAB and AMAB people to wear night gowns. Also, plays of the past featured AMAB performers playing both ‘male’ and ‘female’ roles because AFAB people weren’t allowed to perform. What is currently seen as ‘common place’ is a result from a shift from that previous mentality.
Fortunately, what is seen as ‘common place’ is shifting once again, as you mentioned. So many people out there in the world, with or without large platforms, are pushing the boundaries of gender constraints. With all these efforts, someday, there is a strong possibility that people finally won’t think anything of people simply wearing whatever they want, as they go about their daily life. 🙂 The future remains full of possibility!
Even now, although things certainly are far from being ideal for the LGBTQIA+ community and are still terribly dangerous, a lot of progress has still been made in a short amount of time. So far, during my own lifetime, I’ve already seen changes and progress made, compared to how things were when I was younger. I still remain hopeful for and firmly believe in the possibility of a better future, even as so many people are starting to shift their views to fear and doubt. The way I see things is that all hope is only lost when every single person gives up on it.
I joined here and started blogging to put out feelings that I’ve never felt comfortable discussing, in hopes of breaking the habit of hiding even though it hurts. Healing does hurt and I’m not going to lie, I had just went to bed after this one because I just felt down and drained.
It is crazy that people go through things that others find completely unimaginable and don’t know how someone could go through the things they do. We are stronger than we give ourselves credit for and one thing I’ve tried to go by is even these experiences shape us for better or worse. I’ve done my best to be not even close to my father because of days like this, and there are other negative moments I’ve also pulled positive from.
I’ve known people in the LGBTQIA+ and for the most part, they were all great, in any group of people there will be those that do not represent their demographics well. I had two experiences where co-workers came out in their 50’s and it was odd to me the first time because they both had kids. I got to know one really well and she talked about the difference between her generation of taking it to their graves and apologized to me for hiding it, which I told her “I’m happy you feel comfortable telling me, but you have nothing to be sorry about.”