When I originally joined this site way back in 2007 it was because I had been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I was in therapy and struggling with mood swings, depression and other BPD symptoms including self harm.

My BPD was latent for years, it was mild enough that I could live OK with it even it was destroying relationships, jobs and giving me just enough symptoms to make life difficult without being too big not to seek help with. I just thought I was a bad person. The traumatic end to a long relationship or maybe the events just before it were enough to bring out the full disorder and a year homeless kept it active.

After two years of transference based dynamic psychotherapy I was left with much of the guilt I felt gone and although I would have stayed in therapy my time had run out and I wasn't allowed to continue. So I still feel half done but a lot of my disorder has eased.

I have been left with an underlying depression that makes my life and mood very flat, I've no interests and my partner things I've lost my spark – my mojo.

What bother's her most is that while I don't actively self harm anymore, I now do it semi-unconciously. I'm diabetic but am very bad at managing my diet, smoking, med taking and testing myself. I've also got obstructive sleep apnea that could be mostly fixed by losing weight. I have neuropathy that might be helped by exercise. Essentially she see's my self neglect as a lack of love for her. If I wanted to stay around for her I would fix it. Of course I see it as a lack of love for myself. I just haven't got there yet and really I need to get back into some treatment to see if I can move even further away from my old BPD ways. It's like having no will power, I know what to do but I can't find a way to do what I need to do.

Somehow I must…

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