I selected my mood as being Lonely because I don't feel I have anyone to talk with about serious topics. My parents–more specifically my mom–is acting as if the night she over drank this past week didn't happen. I need to focus on myself but that is not my nature–I worry about everyone BUT myself. College requires you to be selfish, if you want to succeed I think.
I feel so alone in the pain all of this causes me. I wish I could just not worry about others–mainly my mom. I feel like I need to distance myself from her at times but then I talk myself out of it. "You need them to drive because you're too chicken to learn" "you need them to support you because you are too afraid to get a job and juggle school."
I feel so worthless and pathetic. If only I could redo the last ten years of my life. I would make so many different decisions. I know it doesn't do any good to wish, to want things so unrealistic. I'm not a kid anymore, I shouldn't have ridiculous fantasies about being happy or even self sufficient. I too weak to do the things it takes to reach independence and even happiness. I fear change too much, I fear the future too much.
It's kind of funny–in a non humor way–as I write this my brother calls. He is the antithesis of me: independent, too f***ing happy and on his own. He is coming over to bring Ellie–his dog. I say his because he is the main one who cares for her, though his roommates were supposed to split the responsibility. Maybe having Ellie will boost my mood some. Or it could remind me how much my brother is surpassing me in life.
I just want to curl up and die!! Why won't God let me die?? Of give me the damm guts to do it myself???


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