I wanted to tell this story while i was in a good mood, so i have done it now…

On my way home from my session with my therapist, I decided that I was going to write about something that happened many years ago. Not long enough ago for me to forget though. I have been umming about if I was going to write about it or not. But I just decided that I was going to do it. I’ll give you a bit of a background first.

Ever since I was born, well as early as I can remember anyway, I have been friends with Bec and her brother Harry. We played together for many, many years, and even their mum was almost my mum. Harry is a year older than me, and Bec a year younger. We were inseparable. We stayed in each others houses so many times. I was closer to Bec, understandable because she was the girl. She’s kind of like a sister to me, and him a brother. There were many times when we would all sleep in the same bed. We were young maybe around 13 when Harry stopped sharing the bed with us. Me and Bec still slept in the same bed though, as best friends do when you’re sleeping over.

This one night, I was about 15 at the time. I was staying the night at Bec’s place, and in the double bed. We stayed up most the night, as teenagers do talking about boys and all those things that you talk about at that age. Harry by this point was seeing girls, and even having sex with them. Sex was something that Bec and I defiantly wasn’t interested in. We talked about it of course, but nothing more than that. I remember Bec’s mum saying that Harry was out, with his girlfriend and he would be home later that night. Girls night in! It was about 10oclock before we got to sleep, I forgot my Pj’s so I was sleeping in my clothes. That wasn’t something new. When we got to sleep Harry still wasn’t home.

I remember waking up with someone behind me, I thought it was odd, as Bec was in front of me. I knew it was Harry, as I knew his smell, this strong smell of sweat and male deodorant. What he was doing startled me. He was thrusting into me. I was shocked. I just lay there, on my side, and he was doing this to me. I pretended that I was asleep. I didn’t move. I was terrified. I still had my pants on, so it was ok. I was hoping that Bec would wake up. I wanted her to wake up soo bad.  Harry was one for having a very bad temper, punching walls and so forth, I didn’t want him to hit me. I rolled over onto my back, still pretending to be asleep. After about, what I guess to be 15 mins or so, I felt his hands on my breast, on top of my clothes. I didn’t know what to do. I still just lay there, pretending to be asleep. Then he slowly put his hand up my top, and back on top of my breasts, but this time just on top of my bra. I was screaming in my head, preying that Bec would wake up, or someone would walk into the room, and see what he was doing to me. Then he put is hand under my bra… and I still just lay there… did nothing. He took his other hand, and put it down my pants, and inside of me. He kept them there, rubbing me, on my breast and in my pants. I didn’t like it, I hated it, I wanted him to stop, yet I was too scared to say anything. He whispered in my ear, “I know you’re awake, and I know your enjoying this”… I still just lay there. He was doing this, with his sister in the bed at the same time! I couldn’t believe it. Bec stirred at one point, and he took his hands back, I quickly rolled back onto my side. He started thrusting me again. He put his hands on my pants and went to take them off. I couldn’t stand it anymore… I ended up sleeping on the end of the bed, so he couldn’t touch me anymore.

I was never able to look at Harry the same way again. Bec always said that I was in love with Harry, as a joke. It could not be any further from the truth. I hated him. I hated him so much. I felt so violated.

I don’t know if this is the part of the reason why I have trouble being with guys or not, but it’s defiantly something I remember, and I just wish I had the courage to say something, but I didn’t, so it’s my fault. It’s entirely my fault. In a way I hated Bec for not waking up. I hated her soo much… but I know it wasn’t her fault, so I can’t blame her.

This is the first time I have spoken about this night. I know it wasn’t rape or anything, but it still haunts my mind.

I’m so horrible, I should have said something, done something, anything… but I didn’t… so that makes me the bad one.

I’m the bad one.