Am going to use this as a diary, once a week to get stuff down and chart thoughts feelings etc so i can look back and see were im at and were ive been, if anyone out there would like to comment or can identify please dont hesitate to reply.

Have suffered from depression now for quite a few years on and off with gaps between of anything from a year to ten years, dont really know what starts it off but can now recognise the symptons when it begins. The first time i was in my early twentys and refused to believe that i could be suffering with depression i was ashamed and kept it from only the closest people to me, looking back now that was a mistake i have learnt since then that the best thing to be is honest and if people cant understand well thats their problem not mine. I got better from that first bout after about a year probably without any medication but it was hard.

Now it is twenty years latter and in that time i have had plenty of good times ive seen a bit of the world seen my children grow up built a successful buisness got a nice house got a nice car, but here i am maybe not square one but not far away. This time i have decided to take the tablets my doctor has suggested and am three weeks into them. Have had really bad anxiety for the first couple of weeks but this seems to be slowly subsidding. I am trying to get plenty of excersise long walks with the dog and plenty of fresh air have told my freinds and family what i am going through and they are all very supportive. Feel like every day is a battle some days are harder than others, but am just taking them one at a time, and trying to enjoy a few of the things that i normally would want to do but at times like this have to force myself to do.

My feelings what do i feel nervous anxious depressed? I dont know probably all of those at one point or another even at the good points when i feel ok i become nervous because i dont know how long it will last. I look for reasons not to go to places or see freinds as i build these things up to such an extent that i am nervous before i go there. I fear that i will have what i describe as bad thoughts about people that just pop into my head and that start me thinkin to have a thought like that you must be either a nutter or a bad person so to avoid having the thoughts i avoid the contact with other people and end up cutting myself off from the world.

Having said that the bad thoughts seem to be under control at the momment and my mind is not racing in every direction at once. I am sleeping a lot better and not waking covered in sweat not knowing who i am or where i am. So maybe the tablets are starting to work a little. Hopefully i can and will start to feel better soon but untill then i wiil have to do what we all do and try to deal with it.

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