I can’t concentrate on my readings. So guess what I started doing? Cartwheels. That’s right.

Not long after doing them, my injured toe hit a chair. I collapsed on the floor, and waited for the pain to stop radiating through me. After the pain had gone, and I was staring up at the ceiling, I started to cry cuz I thought of my mom.

I thought of her because, when I couldn’t concentrate on my readings, I thought first about heading upstairs and lying next to her on the couch with an arm draped across her, what I used to do. But I opted for cartwheels because, to go anywhere near her, means that I would only get hurt. She’ll always say something to me that will hurt or anger me. Going to her for comfort, or to just be around her, is futile. I’ve made this mistake too many times.

What made me cry is the fact that I have to stay away from her — my very own mother. In 11th grade, a very close friend of mine lost her mom, and I know she was affected very much by it. I have my mom here with me, yet our relationship might as well not exist. I wish it was better between us. So many times in my childhood, I remembered trying to change myself so that we could have this mother-daughter relationship, but it was beyond me.

Earlier today, I was looking at the mirror, and I realized how my appearance looked like hers in a picture of her when she was younger, and my reaction to that was to try and change how I looked.

I actually don’t recall interacting with her much for a very long time…probably only just 3 months or something, but it felt like a very long time. It was easy only because I had so much to do, and I spent 6 days a week going to school…one of the reasons is so that I wouldn’t have to face her. I don’t even go upstairs as much anymore, as she’s there. She might look at me with that way that she looks at me these days when I walk by. Though I haven’t been interacting with her, I’ve had many conversations with her in my head in which I’ve told her the things that have been bothering me.

And I know that no matter how much I resent her for hurting me all the time and no matter what kind of changes I am/will be making, she will always be a piece of me. For one thing, she probably was a huge influence as to how I turned out today, but she will haunt me for years to come, as everytime I look in the mirror, I will see her features. She haunts me even as I am trying to do my homework.

I feel awful for talking about her this way.

If only I can stop crying. Need to get on with readings!!

I’m a bit hesitant about posting this…