I always wonder to myself nowadays: how many years has it been? How long has it been like this? Almost every day it seems as though things slip from my grasp, and yet I can’t tell if that’s a negative thing. While I lost many of my most trusted friends in the most horrid ways imaginable, I’ve also been freed from the ties of toxic relationships in this way. This, however, is not what is making my experiences seem hellish… I can’t get the idea out of my head that my friends are hurt terribly. I have constant panic attacks, these paranoid delusions keeping me awake every night, my Tourette’s acting up making it hard to relax, autism making it seem impossible to seek help, and this almost physical need to drum my fingers against every surface of my room until they’re sore. But no matter how hard I try, though, I can’t seem to escape this horrid cycle. At the same time, I can’t seem to bring myself to end my life! After all true nothingness is a terrifying thought. Perhaps I will one day… but for now it’s those same fears and worries that are acting as my chains, holding me to a riverbed in an ocean of fire.


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