Please don’t be alarmed when I say these things. I am not going to actually harm myself. I have always felt strongly. I am a very expressive person..and I guess thats why when I was 11..my only way of expressing myself was through poetry.

Today I felt a big ball of doom. Right now I wonder, why am I here. I do want to live but why am I here if I can’t socialize. I walk down the street and people think im a weirdo because I walk differently. Before I can talk they stare at me and I start to feel like an outcast. I start to get triggers from when I was a little girl. When I used to get bullied so much that I didn’t talk in school at all. I would get bullied in school and gawked at outside by children and adults because of my scoliosis. Its no surprise that I’m depressed and diagnosed with anxiety..plus if I don’t go outside after awhile, I will get some agoraphobia problems…

I was so happy about today..I had a guest stopping by my house..a good friend..and it was supposed to be a good day…I had to ruin the day by feeling like an outcast..overly anxious..and panicky..also depressed..We went outside and now that its warm ..people are everywhere..I just wish people would go away sometimes..So that I wouldn’t have to get stared at like I’m a freak…I can’t sit in McDonald’s without someone staring at me while I’m trying to eat..

I have a curve in my spine..and I walk differently..thats all.I’m still a person..My friend and I decided to go out and get something to eat and I wasn’t paying attention the whole time she was talking because I was deathly afraid by all the people being around me..Being out in the open outside…having eyes on me…also I have a side of me that is insecure..

I don’t know how many times I looked in the mirror today and wondered “God why did you make me like this” I styled my hair atleast five different ways and hated every choice I made…

Why am I here to deal with all this mental torture..I can’t even let myself be happy..because I am also afraid of being happy.because I am afraid that if I get everything that I want, I will lose it all.

I am used to feeling discouraged..and defeated and rejected…Its better than get disappointed…

Then I have my epilepsy..I only had two seizures and I have to take seizure medicine all my life..What sucks is that sometimes I will get this horrible feeling..that I think they call an “aura” that could be a small seizure or it could be a panic attack..Thats what sucks..I have so many issues that all of them intertwine

I love coffee and drinking soda..but I’m learning that its messing with my epilepsy…

My Agoraphobia problems I have had off and on since I was a kid..I think it started from being bullied..After awhile it got to be traumatizing for me and my mom would have to drag me to go outside and I would run into the bathroom bawling my eyes out…This is why when summer comes I am very depressed ..while people are laughing and smiling and saying “Oh isn’t the weather lovely” I could careless how life is for a person that isn’t depressed or doesn’t try to empathize with a person that is depressed..

When I was outside today..something was about to happen that was either a seizure or a panic attack..all I know is that I could barely make it back home..My eyes were sensitive to everything..and I kept thinking that I was going to black out..I have too many issues for someone that is only 27 years old..

All day my friend kept saying “Is something wrong”..I just couldn’t connect with her..I felt awkward about myself..I felt so bad after.I just wanted to cry..because her and I talk on the phone everyday..

I just don’t know how I’m supposed to believe that things are going to get better

2 Comments
  1. dante68 14 years ago

    Winter is sometimes nice for me, much better than summer has ever been. It often reflects the way I have felt inside, cold and harsh, often gentle as snowfall, but with violent winds waiting in the wings. Plus, the severe cold reminds me that I’m alive. Just thought I would share.

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  2. brokenfairy_38 14 years ago

    I won’t pretend that I know how you feel. I don’t! I know since I’m very short not even 5ft and very, very overweight that ppl do tend to look and make fun of me, though even with that I still can’t imagine how you must feel. I’m so sorry for the way the insensitive ppl are treating you. …. I truely believe that the ones who do this to you by making fun of your misfortune will someday fall victim to far worse than they ever thought about dealing you. ….
    What comes around goes around, just know they will get it in the end some how. You are precious in God’s sight, you’re one of his specail children. Just think how mad you would be if someone was picking on one of your babies just because they were different some how. It’s no different with God, he actually gets mad too if someone messes with his babies. So, take comfort in knowing that you’ve got someone looking out for you day and night! =)

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