i have not written on here in such a long time. i think i just became disconnected with that aspect of my life. now i am disconnected with basically everything.
i "live" in a day to day fashion. and by "living" i mean mostly sleeping and puttering around aimlessly. it is a cycle that seems impossible to break and every day that continues i feel more and more hopeless and trapped in a life destined for failure.
do you ever feel….like some oppurtunites, some moments or achievements in your life, once gone, can never be reclaimed? by this i mean academic and career oppurtunities, choices. my world seems like a cyclone dragging me down to nowhere and it has impacted my college experience as well as retarding what i worry are vital connections/extracarriculars/resume builders.
i am a college senior whose bouts of depression have paralyzed my academic life. i say i am a senior, but to be more accurate, i should say that i am a college student who has repeatedly fucked up and is completely lost. i will not be graduating this semester. i have concealed this from all of those here at school.
anxeity, depression and social problems….let's just say that my transcript is a disaster, full of loose ends that i am too petrified and clueless to address. i feel like i am drowning but i have noone to reveal it to but people on this site.
i canbarely function and this comes at a time…senior year, when all those around me are preparing to successfully complete one phase of their lives and go on to another. in a few months my friends will graduate, and in a few months i will break off all contact with them. i don't want to share my circumstances with them, this failure. i haven't even really comprehended or explained my circumstances to myself or my family.
in a few months everything will change, i will have to figure out what the hell i am going to do, but i can barely sustain myself moment to moment. what's more i feel like my life is not salvageable. if ive fucked up college, which i have, then haven't i fucked up law school? and through that my dream of becoming a lawyer? my future as any kind of white collar worker seems very dismal, and if i don't have that, i don't want to go on.
i look at the world, and everything seems so muddled and grim. dark, cold, filled with people and things that i do not want to live for.
i feel like i have blown my only chances to build something….some path for my life.