Somber….

I have travelled many twisting and broken roads. I have been raped, kidnapped, as well as physically andmentally beat down and broken but I am okay. What is most difficult for me is loss, when I am faced with loss I fall back into myself and hide from the world, I allow my anxiety to consume me forcing me to start back at step one.

The people in my life are there for a reason, I am comfortable with them (which is rare) and I trust them with my life and who I am. These people support me and are genuinely my friends. When I lose them I lose a part of myself.

The last couple years have been difficult, a couple years ago I watched a dear friend lose a battle to brain cancer. I couldnt breathe, my world was crashing down around me as I watched him deterriorate to nothing before he passed away.

This year alone I lost too many, my list of friends has been growing shorter by the month as of late.

First of all, I remain friends with my highschool sweetheart and his family, earlier this year his little sister went missing. For months I stood by giving words of support to the family telling them that she would return, I even told them that when she returns home that we would all get together and revisit old memories. I forced myself to stay strong, I had to be strong for them even though I knew in my heart that she was gone, my heart broke, I faded into darkness. Her body was found dumped on the side of the road when the snow melted, suddenly it became a reality, this girl that I loved like a sister and grew up with was gone, taken from her family and her 3 young children and tossed away like yesterdays garbage. On top of that it was the father of her youngest child who did it to her…

Then another friend that I adored was bludgeoned to death by her boyfriend 4 months ago

Another friend passed away in her sleep the night after getting her young son back.

My former father in law passed away due to an aneurism in his sleep….

then 2 months ago my very best friend, we were inseperable for years, he was there for me when no one else was, he saved me from many situations, he always went out of his way to cheer me up and make me feel normal… he went on vacation for 2 months and 2 days before he was due to come home he passed away in his sleep, his heart gave out. Not a day goes by that I do not shed a tear for him, I miss him more than anything. I no longer have anyone to share with, yet I still find myself talking to him as if he were here with me. And dare I say sometimes I feel him put his hand on my shoulder, but that could also be my schizophrenia…

Today my roommate brought my Jr High best friend back into my life, we were very close through jr High, I always adored him, he has informed me that he has brain cancer, stage 3..

I don't know what to say or what to think, I will be there for him on his journey however long it may be. I only hope he is strong enough to fight through it.