Maybe if I blog I can clear my mind to get some work done.
Last week I told my counselor that I felt stuck. I felt like I was stuck in the middle of an ocean, waiting to be eaten by sharks. I felt okay at the moment because I hadn’t yet seen any shark fins swarm or felt anything bump me on my legs. I was just floating amidst an empty sea with great fear in my heart of what may come. Regardless of what my eyes told me, I sensed them near.
This is what I though inside. I had trouble explaining this verbally to her. I told her that I was stressed. She gave me the metaphor, “ as if there was a car on top of you”. At last! I found I found my voice… I told her not a car but a truck. I told her that I saw a truck, a mixing cement truck– full of gasoline –alive and im under it… And all it does is press down on top of me, preventing me from moving, from calling out for help. The truck was yellow. I told her all I wanted was a freaking bicycle on top of me, I can handle that.
I find myself wanting to help my friends. They remind me so much of the person I try to keep tucked away. Their sadness, anxiety, confusing, worry, loss… I feel it. It reminds me of my own. I figure if I help them get through it maybe my problems will fade away. Deep down, I know this wouldn’t work. You have to pull yourself out of what ever issue your going through. Yes, you need people to guide you, networks to promote your interest. But not someone to carry ALL your burdens, anxieties. You can’t expect a friend, a family member, a lover or even a stranger to do that for you. Everyone has their own worries, their own demons to play with.
What I need right now is an outlet. Something I can do were I can express or release in someway. Something that is outside everyone I know. Where I can start something new. Alone. My focus must me on my health and well being and on my sister’s. We are the only ones truly responsible for mapping our futures.. We don’t know yet just how powerful and influential we are in creating this map. As of now, I find great peace at my job. I love what I do. The family I work with has been a big part of my sanity through all this.
I FEEL EVERYTIME I make some progress, or I get over some hurdle something else hits me. Im so worried for my father. He has some serious health issues but he won’t let me in. I cried when I found out and he told me to stop acting foolish- the same thing my uncles girlfriend said when I got upset over my grandfathers death. I asked him what did he want me to do. Shall I be a robot? Shall I be the rock? I wore those disguises years ago and I left them in queens when I moved out of the house.
SOMETIMES I will smile when I want to cry, I will laugh when I want to sigh. But I WILL NOT, shut down; remove all emotions, become a shell. It’s easy not to love your self when you are so far from your true, self. It’s easy to hate the void that you become- emotionless waste of space. Its easy to forget your basic needs, to fill up yourself with garbage when you have not a care about your emotional soul and when you completely ignore your physical and mental needs. I can’t become that person anymore, not for anyone.
I don’t know what will happen a week from now, a month, a year. But I will do my best to claim my own future, to present my self with options so that I don’t feel like im stuck under a truck. Actually, its feeling a little lighter now…