well, here it goes..

im cierra, im 20, well will be 20 tomorrow, i am a firefighter and an emt, which is an odd job for me but i actually love it, but i have had depression since i was maybe 10 or 11 years old, i dont know really where it could have stemmed or came from, maybe it was a mix of my step mom at the time beating me and not really being accepted in middle school.. when i was 10 my dad got re married to a woman who seemed to be great at the time, but shit just went totallt down hill after acouple months, my dad found out after they had gotten marrie dthat she delt with bi polar disorder, and at the time i didnt know what it was or how to deal with it when she was in her moods, but in that time i had been going back and forth to my moms and dads every week, up untill my dad moved. Anyways, for awhile she just shut herself in their room ntill her moods where over , but she becasme more comfortable and way more controlling, she scream at me about school, about if i got a math problem wrong, and if that happened id find myself getting hit with hurtful word or even her actually hitting me when my father wasnt around, this was constantly happeneing, with anything i got wrong, fron doing the dishes, setting the table, or doing my homework nothing was perfect enough for her.. i found myself getting extreemly sad, and i didnt know why, my style started getting darker and darker, i started acting out and not doing any of my home work, or eventaking showers because she had limited that to 10 minutes, and as a young girl i had things to do in the shower to be able to take care of myself and feel "fresh". She was in my eyes an absolute montser, i cried myself to sleep everynight because not only was my home life terrible but my school life was the same, i had no friends, i sat alone, i was picked on constantly by people i used to be friends with, i was bullied so bad i ate lunch alone, didnt talk to anyone, kept my head down as i walked but still found myself getting beat up not only by the girls in school but the popular guys as well, and no one did anything about it no matter how many times i went to a teacher or princapal, people also bullied me because my wordrobe went from skater to goth clothing, fake piercings, to trench coats and chains, colored short hair, all of this happened over the next 3 years from 6th to 8th grade, when i first started 8th i was starting to feel better i had long pink hair and i loved it untill one day my ex step mom took me to the hair dresser not telling my father and not telling me what she was doing, she held me down as the shaved my head, after that i got worse, more and more sad i didnt know wht was wrong with me untill my mom took me to the doctors, and i had privatly told the that i was at my wits end, for my age i thought i was.. i told my doctor that i had been cutting and have seriously tought about killing myself, i sat there and cried as i told her, and she got up and hugged me, this is the first time in 3 years that i felt compassion from someone else, i didnt know what to do let ther hug me or push away, i sat there and let her hug me it made me feel so much better.. she then told me she had to tell my mom, and i said it was okay, because at that point my mo was the only one trying to fight for me to live with her permanantly because i had told her what was going on at my fathers house. The docter had me go to someone i could talk to, she couldent put me on anything because i was too young, the guy i went to talk to didnt help, my dad ended up finding out and then obviously my step mom did and they went when i didnt want them too, i sat there not saying a word when they were with me and i was doing so great alone, i didnt want to tell him what was happeneing with my dad and step mom while she was sitting right there in fear of what might have happened when we got home if i had said something.. i hated her so much, i literally felt like i had no father because she had brain washed him into thinking i was such a horrible kid and i did nothing right, he was still there for me though but he didnt know what bothered me and i didnt tell me and holding that in made me even more depressed.. one night my whole family was over, my sisters and brother, even my new niece who i loved so much at the time she was my reason for living, untill one night my step mom went off and started not only screaming at my sister while my niece was infront of her but at my dad accusing my father of having relations with his own daughter, at that point my dad finally relized that she was fucking insne and devorced her, and found a woman he had been inlove with since he was a teenager, they are still together to this day and shes absolutly amazing to me.. i couldent thank her enough for the things she does for me.

so now im 15 my dad moved away and i chose to stay with my mother because at the time i had a boyfriend and i wanted to stay with him, so i started a new high school, a small high school, like extreemly small, everything was going okay untill me and my boyfrined ad broken up, everyone at that point started to shun me because i wasnt family to anyone or very known, in my school everyone was so close and tight that if anyone new came alone everyone hated them, anyways i started getting bullied again for no reason, i havent done anything wrong or talked to anyone and all of a sudden they started calling me names, pushing me around and treating me like shit, i colored my hair again and they all called me sharpie head, i went home and just spoke my mind on facebook, and everyone but 3 people stopped, acouple of no good seniors, and two of them were my ex cousins, and the other my exs gf before me.. they kept on going bullying me in school not only waiting for my till the bell rang for home room to call me names ad threten me, but they also screamed anems at me while i would walk my dog oscar. Finally after not to long i just ignored them and found a friend, she was my bestfrined untill 12th grade, we were just like sisters, did everything together and almost spent everyday together, we had our fights but it didnt break us up.. Oh yea i fogot to metion i also quit school 3 times because of those 3 girls but came back and joined GED, ANYWAYS so in 12th grade there was an announcment that someone had been stealing from the locker rooms at school, i didnt know who it was and no one else did, i didnt even had a locker because in ged you get to choose and i chose art.. like fuck that running shit am i right.. anyways again, i fianlly one night stay back to wait for her to take an extra test that shehad missed so we could walk home, she told me before we left she had to grab her gym clothes so that she could take them home and wash them, then while i was in there she told me she was the one that had been stealing things, and i told her to stop and that smoeone was going to find out, she replyed back telling me that no one was smart enough to check or relize or do anything about it, she kept stealing and i kept telling her to stop, she started getting so made at me that we stopped talking again, at this pointthe school had put in securtity cameras to try and catch the erson who was stealing because they didnt know who it was and they had no leads, me and her still somewhat talked texted ever now and again, and she told me how she strted to steal from the elementary gym to, because well our school was prek through 12.. yea that small.. anyways i still told her to stop but she ignored the comment and asked if she could come over the day before holoween, i said alright, that day before i left school i found a little girls necklace was on the floor, the office which was also the lost and found was closed so i didnt know what to do but take it home and bring it back, she came over later and after decorating i asked if she had known whos it was and she said yes and that she sees her everyday, so i gave it to her and then a few days later i see that she had been trying to sell that girls necklace online, i called her and yelled at her, and literally after i got off the phone with her she deleted it and a cop showed up at my door, and asked me if i had it, i told him no and that i just got off the phone with my frind who did, he went to her and hse said i had it along with other things saying that i was the one who was stealing from the school, i was so upset with her, for trying to blame me for something she was doing, the cop cam back over and asked to search my room, i said and he found nothing that everyone said i had, i told him the truth that i had been there with her while she was doing it but i hadnt been stealikng anything, he went to her house and she denyed to have him serach her room, then she brought out 4 to 5 big bags of stuff out to his car that she had stolen, the only thing he had to worry about is that she was the one who was actually staling things and if i wanted to press charges, and i didnt because i still cared for her, since then we havent talked. shes blocked me on facebook and spread rumors about me when ive said nothing about her, its like her life was so revolved around mine she forgot who she was, it made me so upset to see her like this even if i hated her so much, people started saying i was actually the one, everyone knew about what she was saying and i wasnt allowed anywhere by myself, so at that point i moved to my dads upset and defieted.. i lived at my dad for a year my depression getting worse and worse and i had no idea why, i kept trying to get a job, no one would hire me even with a ged, so all i did was sit in my room every day playing video games which only made me more upset, so sad that i started crying myself to sleep again, my dad one night came in and talked to me and told me i needed to go to the doctors because him and his girlfriend and her family were worried about me, so i went and took this test and talkedto the doctor, i didnt think i was as bad as they said i was, they woman went and talked to the rest of the doctors and came back and told me i needed to immedetly go to the counceler across the street, and talk to her regularaly, they had perscribed me, anxiety medicine and anti depressaints, which did startto make me feel better, then i moved back to my moms because things started to get worse at my dads not only with my step siblings but ex friends there.. so when i came here i wasnt able to take my meds untill i saw a doctor, and when i saw him he gave me my meds back, i started to take them again and felt so horrible so i stopped them which they advised me not to do or i would have to go spend sometime somewhere to help myself get better, i was 18 so i declined and just stopped them. from then on ive been okay, having my days that i literally just sleep and cry all day.. i have joined the fire department and rescue squad here at my mothers and have been taking classes to become higher up in the paramedic scale and firefighter scale, i found that id really love to go to college to become a vetrinarian, because my dog that i had loved so much had passed away, which literally broke me and was probably the reason i got so bad at my dads house, beacuse i feel like when he was sick before i moved that he needed me and i just left him there and he gave up on living because he didnt have me, i was literally the only person whou could get him to eat, my parent took him to the vet and found that he was going to die anyways because he had intestinal cancer and tney had to put him down, i wanted to pbe there for him as he went but i was 6 housrs away at my fathers and i couldent do anyting about it, my mom called me and told me that he had passed and i broke down, and cried for 3 days straight feeling like it was all my fault, that h could have still tried living for me for several weeks if i was there, i dont believe in god really but i still pray to him hoping that he is okay and that hes watching over me and ask him if hes proud or if he misses me, i now have a cat whos a maincoon and ragdoll mix named monster, he literally gets me through everyday, hes my baby.. im thankful to have him and im thankful to have my sisters and brothers who are there for me when i need them to talk to, right now i still have no friends, i still sit in my room and do nothing, and most nights i cry myself to leep, but i try and find the strength to keep going.


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