Over the course of my 20 years of life, I\'ve only had 3 "close" friends. One was in Junior High (she moved to another state), another was in 1 year of High School (we weren\'t that compatible), and the last one was in another year of High School (she moved on to other friends). 


I haven\'t known what it\'s like a have a good friend for a few years now. I want someone to hang out with and have fun, someone who understands me. I want to care for someone else, give them comfort in times of need, and for them to give back as well. To be invited to do things and spend the night. Someone to actually really want to be around me. To actually care and to show it.


It depresses me seeing everyone else have friends. It\'s such a normal, casual thing to have, but it seems so difficult for me to acquire. It hurts more feeling like I am the only person who knows what it\'s like to not have friends. Anytime I meet someone new, it hurts inside when I hear them talk about how much fun they have with their longtime friends. And I can\'t help but think about how I won\'t ever be a part of that. 


I do try. I try and try and try to make friends. I work harder than I think people should have to. I find someone new that I think I could be friends with, I talk to them little by little, I invite them to come over, and then that\'s it. It doesn\'t go anywhere else. We even exchange numbers and I never get a text from them, even when I text them first. Anytime I do get a reply from a text it took almost a full 24 hours for them to take the time to respond. It feels like I have to move boulders for people to even consider me worth trying back for. 


I strive to show people I can be outgoing and fun and talkative. I try my best not to show people the completely stressed out, anxiety-ridden person on the inside that is freaking out trying to think of what to say next. 


I don\'t know what it\'s like to have people pursue me. To have someone want me to be their friend. Not always me trying to get them to be mine.


It doesn\'t seem like others have to stress so much just to get people to like them.


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