I have a pretty overwhelming decision to make.


I have an admittedly embarassing problem, a shameful problem, something I don\'t like to admit, something I\'ve kept to myself for far too long. I don\'t like to tell my family and friends, because they think I am ok, I guess they think I am over it. No one asks how I\'m dealing with things, so I feel that the expectation from everyone else is that I\'m fine.


But here, I don\'t have to worry about those expectations, and I need to talk to someone to figure out what I should do in this ridiculous drama that is consuming my life.


I\'ll give you as condensed a version as possible of a very long story. My ex boyfriend of 3 years and I decided to break up last year. There was never really a moment where I felt like things were so bad that we should break up, I guess I just felt it all the time because I was so unhappy in the relationship. Granted, I always got a high when I was with my boyfriend, I loved him more than I acknowledged to myself, but when he was away, when the reality of our relationship set in, I always felt like shit.


My ex is an Indian immigrant, and now a Canadian citizen, and because of his culture, there had to be limits to our relationship. I was never allowed to be a part of his life – his parents never heard about me, very few friends ever met me and my ex wanted me to agree that I woudl stay with him forever and never leave him (and that I had to agree to live with his parents as traditional Indian families do) before he would tell the people in his life about me.


I allowed for things to be like this from the start, I set a precedent that was unfair to me, and while I did complain initially – I often told him that he needed to at least make me a part of his life in Canada – he refused by stalling, saying that he would introduce me to his friends in "just a few more weeks, just a few more months" and eventually that turned into years. I was just fed up, and I didn\'t see things changing, so I suggested in October of last year, that we should probably just break up. We agreed to do so in December, at the end of my school semester.


He went back to India in November and during that time, I decided that I missed him so badly that I wanted to work on things when he got back. We emailed and spoke on the phone while he was there and we said how much we loved and missed each other.


When he came back, I tried to talk about things, but it was like a sore subject and we agreed that nothing was going to change, that there were too many cultural differences to reconcile, so we broke up for two weeks in December. In January, we started seeing each other again, and it was at the end of that month that I checked his phone and found a text message to his boss saying that he was now "officially engaged".


I can barely remember what happened between then and now. What I do know is that I fell into a period of terrible anxiety, followed by a period of terrible depression. And all the while, I continued to see my ex. I never have felt that I could really leave him, because I would miss him so much when we were separated and we both just continuously cave and agree to meet again and again, even though he fully intends to marry this other woman. Disappointing his family, he says, would make him suicidal.


Through all this, I have managed to get his fiancée\'s email address, as well as his father\'s email. I have contemplated emailing this woman, to tell her that her husband (I recently found out that he apprently signed marriage documents in December, dated back for November, so that they could start the immigration process sooner) has been cheating on her with me – something I find pretty ridiculous, because, as far as I\'m concerned, I\'m his legitimate partner, I\'m the one he should be marrying. I want to tell her because I feel that she deserves to know – I certainly woudl want to know if I was in her position.


I also want to do it to punish my ex and to get some form of vindication. To this day, he tells me that he loves me and that he wishes things were different and that if there was any way his parents could accept it, he would be with me in a heartbeat. It makes me so incredibly angry that he says those things. Because, if he really loved me, he would have made an effort at some point during the three years that we were together, rather than just accepting the first ticket out of our relationship the moment the opportunity presented itself. He says he felt overwhelming pressure to get engaged to her, and he didn\'t know how to say no – and since I had brought up the topic of breaking up a month earlier, he figured that our relationship was over.


I feel incredible pain, and worthlessness for having been in that relationship for so long, with promises that we would get married one day, with promises that when the "time was right", I would be introduced to friends and family. And now, I feel like it was all manipulation.


The wedding is just 8 days away. Part of me wants to tell this woman that she is being cheated. I hope that she\'ll call off the wedding, or at least not want to come back to Canada with him. I want there to be a consequence for what he has done. I just don\'t want to let him get away with it.


But on the other hand, I am worried that if I do it, he may actually become suicidal. I\'m worried that it is very petty on my part – the woman scorned – to try to hurt him in the way that he has hurt me. Not that he doesn\'t deserve it. But I love him, and I don\'t want to hurt him. I just want him to make the decision to call it off – because the engagement was, in my eyes, so fundamentally wrong. The marriage, just thinking about it, is torture for me.



I don\'t know what to do. I want to say that I am better than this, that I am understanding of the situation, and the cultural pressure he was under at the time. But I have been "understanding" of his culture for three and a half years now, and that just enabled him to fuck me over. The fact that no one in his life knows about me kils me because I put so much of my energy into our relationship and I tried so hard to make it work, but on his end, it was just complete passivity. I want justice, I don\'t just want lay down and be walked all over.


But I\'m so worried about the consequence of doing this. If it resulted in my ex killing himself, I would have incredible guilt. And it would make this horrible situation 100 times worse. And yet, I don\'t think I can be at peace just letting this injustice happen; I want the truth to come out.


I\'d love to hear any advice. This is consuming me.

  1. caitlinlate 10 years ago

    Thanks everyone. Just to add clarity to the situation, I do not believe that I was conned. I did date this person for 3 years and I think I was dealing with a man who was extremely weak and dealing with being from one culture, but at the same time wanting to be a part of another culture, but they were just incompatible.

    While he hasn\'t changed his decision to marry this other woman, he has expressed extreme remorse and I have seen him experience extreme panic attacks. He is seeing a counsellor – it\'s not just me that it\'s affecting which is why I really struggle with the decision ahead of me. I know that he lied to me because he just hoped that we would breakup and I wouldn\'t find out about it. I have swayed back and forth so many times – thinking it was a lie the entire time, that he just conned me for 3 years, but since getting engaged to this woman, he did end up telling his parents about me – I saw the email his father sent to him threatening to disown him if he did not marry the girl to whom he is engaged.

    He has begged me not to say that he didn\'t love me. He gets panic attacks when I accuse him of having used me – he says that he wishes he could turn back the clock, that he feels worthless, that no matter what decision he makes, he is making the wrong decision. He has been manipulated by his parents and believes that they will die if he doesn\'t marry this woman. I just think, if you knew him as well as I do, you wouldn\'t reduce the situation to him conning me for sex.

    And all that matters because I struggle with deciding whether to \”be the bigger person\” and let it go, or to \”serve some justice\” and not let him get away with wronging me. It matters because, despite everything, I do still care for him and I don\'t want to just hurt him, and yet, I also feel so crushed by all this that I guess I want there to be consequences to wronging me in the way that he did.

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  2. AlysonJaye57 10 years ago

    I honestly think you need to move on. He's not only cheating on her, he's also cheating on you. If he really loved you he would have introduced you to his friends and family, not caring about what their opinion was.. but those are just my thoughts. Don't worry, he won't kill himself. He's just using that to manipulate you and to keep you around..

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