It was pained. I think the combination of pain I was actually in plus the emotional stuff of yesterday infected my dream and with that, the misery of yesterday bled into today. And I had been so hopeful last night that when I woke up I’d feel a little better.

Ah the tortuously bright white sky of winter I wake up to. I’m so tired of seeing that everyday. I can’t help but to be thankful for the slight difference. There is sun shining in ray through the slider back door that I lay near, starting my homework of the day. The dark twisting trees have value this morning since it doesn’t fade into the skies bitter cold. Birds chirping try to ground me from an attack I’m slipping closer and closer to. Feel each letter come from the words I speak in my brain, feel the energy of them flow down your arms and into your finger tips. Feel the sensation of the computer keys being pushed down under the pads of your fingers and pop back up at my release. Breathe.

So the dream-all about weird things and pain. In dreams I don’t see things like I would from a persons point of view. I might as well describe to myself a pointless odd thing on how I dream. I see it happen as if I am the camera watching scenes unfold. Yet I feel what the person is feeling because I am them or better to say they are me. They may not look like me or they may be people I know or strangers but in the dream when the camera is rolling I know who I am. However it’s always complicated to explain my dreams because I switch characters. I’ll be Bob with black hair sitting in a chair one moment then a girl with fangs and red hair named Tina will show up, and as the camera I see the interaction, but I feel it as Bob…as me. Then there is a transfer where I will see if from the point of view of Bob (this happens in most dreams but not for long) I’m shaking Tina by her shoulders telling her to keep her fangs away from me. I can see dead in her brown eyes and every time she blinks. Then poof I see things as the camera again. Sometimes in an entirely new scene and background setting. My main character may be Bob and I’m the camera-he is now curled up in a dark room crying but when he looks up and squints, I am now able to see from his point of view. I see Tina and she is talking to this new character with golden eyes, freckled skin and a green tunic named Leo. I see her telling Leo they need to go hunting to bring back food for their new captive, Bob. She looks concerned but Leo appears angry and impatient. Suddenly I can’t see Tinas expressions anymore, only Leos. Because I have transitioned to Tina (sometimes I am still me with my actions and thoughts in real life but in some cases I don’t know anything of what they are talking about or what it means but I’m still saying it as Tina. Yeah I know, confusing. Is this normal?) Leo yells as Tina for being arrogant and naive and I feel the shame she feels. I also may never get to be some of the characters other times I’ve been all of them. Sometimes I return to the main character that is truly me (even though it may not look it) and sometimes not.

The dream itself was odd. I was at this gardening type thing they do for little kids, like the age of 5. But I had to be there because it was part of some school event thing from the old high school I used to go to (I’ve had this dream before). In real life I don’t think we have anything like that actually. Anyway, a young teacher lady asked me to sit in the middle of this circle of kids. It didn’t sense to me because for one I’m not part of this plus I’m like 12 years older than them. Why am I here? I say no. “I don’t want to. I’m not doing it.” The lady had short light brown hair all curled and her skin was olive like. Now that I think about it I wish I had a tan like that. She had another guy with her and I think he was a little younger than her. He was probably about 19. He had short short hair, almost bald but hair covered. I don’t know any of there names. He told me I had to do it but I was brutally honest and I was so furious with this crap. I have never been that angry in a dream and felt it control me so. I got real close and grabbed onto the collar of his shirt (I can see from my own perspective now-not camera view) I screamed in an almost hushed sort of way, to be threatening but not to draw attention. “I’m not going to do this, I WONT do this ever again.” He seems to be shocked “You have to listen to me, I have some problems. Mental stuff. I won’t be forced to be in some picture if it is damaging to my health!” As I continued on with a whole spiel  I noticed how gorgeous his eyes were. Light and hazel, kinda bluish but not. They were so unusual. Popping out even more from his dark complexion.

Next thing I know I’m in a sort of tent area, I’ve got camera view on the situation. There is a flat table in the center and there I am. Gauze wrapped my forehead, strips of skin peeled off like an knife taken to an apple, knees exposed…Knees cut open. Bone knocked out. Suddenly I’m taken to the point of view of myself again and I open my eyes. Tired from drugs to knock me out no doubt. I feel my face contort, I gasp in pain. My breathing erratic but not complete because the pain is so much. Something had been done to my stomach area, I saw blood. I stood up, with my broken knees I dunno how but I did. I hobbled with my legs locked, from the no knees I assume. I see the young man with pretty eyes I yelled at earlier. I ask his what’s going on and that I’m in pain. I’m horrified. He took me back to lay down and went to speak to an old man. I watched them talk for a little while as camera point of view. He spoke to an old man, white haired, leathery skin, blue eyes. I could see now the pov of the man with pretty eyes. he told the old man that they needed meds because i was in pain. the old man said we have to wait for 10 hours. We are suppose to wait 10 hours after she wakes up. The paper work needs to be done too. I suggested he work on the paper work now because that could take a few hours too. The old man said Nah we will wait until her 10 hours are up, then i’ll work on it. Zoomed back to me and my point of view, I suffered greatly. They put casts on my legs, all around my knees, they were left to be exposed. Probably to get infected. I grimaced in pain and whimpered.

Then boom. I was awake.

Flat on my back and a tear rolled down my cheek. I thought it was real. It felt so real. I rolled off the couch immediately after I awake, it was more of a gut reaction. I was in a dead run. I wasn’t even fully awake, I looked down to see my knees were fine. I scrambled to the bathroom still. and crying. I broke down completely on the floor. I had school though so I had to get ready. For me thats just going to the bathroom and brushing my teeth since I do online school. I couldn’t believe how emotionally draining and painful that dream was. What a start to the day. Wow, it took me two hours to write this. I’m in such a state, forming words is difficult. To write all of this took a lot. For some reason I just felt the need to remember this so I wrote it all out for myself. I’m surprised it took me that long, even thought my brain function is struggling. It’s not even well written. Just me writing out the weirdness and misery.

  1. emmerzz 5 years ago

    that was very deep I have to say. although I’m very sorry about the issues ur going through. as if ur fighting everyday literally. it will get better. may not be soon but there is always a light at the end of a dark tunnel. if u need anyone to talk to I’m here for you. ur not alone. btw your writing skills I envy.

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  2. Author
    asbishop 5 years ago

    Thank you, it really does help to hear that.

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