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Its really never been about me, my parents left me on my own emotionally as far back as I can remember. When I did get attention it was more than likely malicious. My first time hitting bottom I did it myself because asking for help wasn’t an option. I have certain coping mechanisms I’ve been doing since I was little. My parents see it as obsessive and something that needs to be taken away instead of something that helps me. So recently I just got into with my parents because I was watching two videos from the IT. I mean this just happened a few minutes ago and I don’t see my therapist until tomorrow. I don’t have a lot to look forward to in my life so a new movie is exciting. However it was two videos too many. My mom was upstairs and my dad was asleep so I thought I was safe and all of the sudden he’s awake and she’s in the same room as me. I just started playing the opening clip from IT the miniseries when my mom got mad that I was watching this. She was already mad I was watching a Nigtmare on Elm Street when she got home right in the middle of a kill scene. In my defense Wes Craven passed away on this day two years ago so I try to honor him by watching his movies. Anyway watching this video set my mom off then my dad. I got frustrated quicker than I would like to (my patience with them has thinned. It’s been 20 years of handling them). I aggressive apologized I forgot I had to sensor myself around them. Around them or my sister I have to tone down my personality and interest around them to an almost dull roar. My dad started going on about how it’s always about what I want to watch and I guess I suffocate them with what I view. They never realized it’s a coping mechanism and has been since I was little. I latch into characters to escape from my own life. Like two weeks ago I just crashed mentally and physically, so I’ve been watching as much Emma Swan videos. She’s a character from Once Upona time and her being the loner and on her own most of her life is something I deeply relate to. It’s not like I can explain this to them or really talk to them about what goes on inside my head. If that wasn’t enough, my mom stared saying that I don’t realize how much they do for me and how much they just give in to what I ask. Because it’s always about what I want to watch or what I want to eat. I micromanage everything I do to gain some kind of control in my life. I realize I’m doing it more because I went into that depressive relapse and everything became so chaotic. There’s so much they don’t understand about why I do things a certain way or with what I live with everyday.

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