I hope I’m not dropping all of this in the wrong area of Therapy Tribe. This is the first time since my “feeling problems” were diagnosed about 6 years ago (seems like a lifetime ago) that I have opened up anything like I will be doing here. BELIEVE ME, I AM NOT ATTENTION SEEKING AT ALL. To start, it was much earlier in life I noticed not feeling right, I think I was about 5 years old (when I started school and expectations began). Anyway, here goes an introduction of me and why I am here at Therapy Tribe (it’s a long one because I am just plan unloading my history and feelings to explain why I am opening up to the world of Therapy Tribe over all the other sites out there on the infinite WWW):

I am a 51 year old, straight guy from a loving and only mildly disfunctional family (as many families are in a one child, parents divorced when I was 8 yo with both parents agreeing to work together for my sake (and ALSO because they both were still in love with each other which made things easier, Ha!, you would think – NOT ALWAYS. Their love story, sadly, never rematerialized). So here I am, joining Therapy Tribe so I could hopefully be part of a group that FEELS me. A group that I don’t have to keep the secret that I DON’T have my whole life together inside and/or out. A group that understands the stress in PRETENDING to have your whole life together in social circles of family and friends and having to act as if you are happy and where cleaverly a fake smile along with using a calm, soothing “I’ve got it all together” voice in order NOT to burden anyone with the “utter” disaster and struggle ongoing inside is understood by the group and why we feels like it needs to be that way to preserve whatever sanity and dignity we have left. How can you help someone understand if they’ve never experienced these feelings or even mildly experienced them. My challenges are “big league” and it takes those that know how debilitating depression and anxiety really are to a person’s whole entire being to grasp that person’s reality. How can they expect to grasp what’s going on inside when they haven’t experienced it? That’s why I joined. I joined to swim among my own kind where maybe I can feel normal for a change. Where I can be connected to those that truely have experienced and have been affected by depression and anxiety. I join this group with an open mind and NO judgements. I have the need and desire to “hopefully” learn some new tricks from others inflicted with the nasty duo of depression and anxiety. I will learn by listening and interacting with peers that understand. I hope to take baby steps forward as I learn from others. I, myself, would be as happy as I could be for the smallest help. I’m tired of falling and I’m tired of pretending who I am inside. It’s exhausting. For as long as I can remember, I have struggled to imitate the “normal” people (as compared to societies social norms and expectations). Here I will be normal as part of the groups.

I have ever so briefly imagined that life may be alot easier for some of those closest to me if I wasn’t around to burden them anymore. Then, this little beam of reasoning inside me (I call self-preservation) knows the devistation there would be if I so defiantly checked out on myself and them before my time. It would cause all of them (well, most of them) great distress because I do realize I am one of the many important parts of in their life. A permanent, although deceitfully “happy faced and smiling” , but truly and honestly “loving and caring” individual that helps them by being in their life. They love and care about me so dearly. So, suicide is not something I consider past the “What if’s”. Yes, my mind is so busy trying to get through the right nows that trying to scheme a plan of offing myself is unthinkable and I’m definitely not into surprising myself with an unknown event as final as suicide. Besides, it’s one sin that I can most definitely and willingly avoid. I think I made my point about suicidal thoughts and idiations. And I think I’ve made it clear that I struggle forcing myself to love and care inwardly (for myself) while outwardly (with others) I present myself with that soft happy smile to all those I come in contact with me. They never have to know that all of that love and caring is only for them because I have very little love, respect, admiration or caring for myself. I would do anything to have those feelings for myself one day. My self security and inner drive in real life are practically non-existent. It takes so much energy to put on a show for others and it really does take most all of the strength I’ve got to hide what’s really going on inside, even from myself sometimes. I just space or blank myself out and shut off my thinker (sometimes easier said then done), but I have to do it or I will crucify myself with the most unimaginable guilt trips one has ever seen or experienced. Except maybe you.

As you may have guessed by my username (PrivateNurse06) , I am a nurse (for going on 15 years now) . Unfortunately, I’ve been so distressed and lost inside that I haven’t been able to nurse outside of my home for so long (over 5 years now) , I jump at the chance (on a good day) to nurse family and friends around my home. During my really weak moments, I will think of the many things I have had to leave behind for the time being due to my conditions, there is more than a dull ache for my nursing career. I want it so bad, but my brain says “I can’t” (and when my brain says those words, my entire body and entire being “just can’t” no matter what my will or desires want) . I can still feel my nursing instincts and knowledge locked away back in there just dying to come out again one day. My nursing skills and instincts do creep out when needed in emergency situations, thank goodness for that. Unfortunately, it is hard enough forcing myself to leave my home just to go to the store for necessaties let alone try to put myself together enough to get up, get cleaned up, get dressed, make it to work on time, try to give my almost non-existant energy to the ailing patients and make it through a full shift without everyone seeing straight through me to the distress and utter disaster inside. Getting up alone can be a chore many days as I’m sure you know very well.

It’s getting harder and harder to go into public and I just pray I don’t run into someone I know. Meeting up with someone you know leaves a person wide open for them to come up and try to socialize. Socializing is a huge fear of mine if I am out in public. If approached, there no doubt, the very probable chance exists that unavoidabley I will have to hear (with no direct way to answer) the classic conversation starters from someone that has no clue of “big league” sufferering of depression and/or anxiety. The agonizing questions are: “ARE YOU ALRIGHT?” or more commenly, the dreaded “HOW ARE YOU DOING?”. Simple questions for the average Joe, no doubt. With those questions, you have to still maintain that smiling, caring face, but how can you be honest with your answer. And being true and honest are some traits I hold very close and dear. You just can’t answer without losing face and without that little pause (dead silence) with a momentary blank look. Your forced to try and spring back with some subject that is definitely safer for your social credibility and hopefully more interesting to make them forget their inquiry about you. Turning the questions around on them usually works, besides, I have found that people that normally ask those questions really want to talk about themselves. I personally try to avoid talking about any feelings I am having and jump to their personal health somehow, it’s then the focus is totally on them and that’s safe. I can focus on a health related conversation as if I’m reading a script I’ve practiced a thousand or more times. Read the script that’s in your mind, wrap up the conversation portraying your in a hurry and then get out of there to the safety of your home.

Ahhh, well thanks for listening. The whole time I was releasing all of that for the very first time, I kept telling myself “they know the feeling part already, just introduce yourself as if writing a “dear diary” introduction for yourself and don’t worry about the additional stress of having to explain “how you feel”, just put yourself out there and don’t ramble on too much just because you can finally share a piece of what your world is like. I’m up for a chat, I think LOL, if anyone wants to message me (I haven’t offered that in a long time), I will do my best to get back to you soon. It would be nice to chat with people that just plan understand how difficult and out of our control life can really be. I will try to check in once a day.