Well here I am again. Not knowing just how to feel about life. I just want to give in at times and end it all, I'm so tired of fighting and losing all the time. I'm always alone it seems, My family who wanted me to move here, so I would be closer to all of them have systematically moved away and last week my aunt told me she is moving away soon too, so that will leave me here alone yet again but in a town I don't particularly like, and I cant go anywhere because I am broke.
Yes I work and have co-workers but it's not like friends who come around or I can go to them, we all have absolutely nothing in common, I am from a different state altogether and am a beach person this is a small closed knit country town.
I don't feel my therapy is helping anymore because I don't seem to be able to talk freely, my counselor has started challenging nearly every emotion and thought I have and because I do not like confrontation I tend to just say everything is fine and not tell her how I really feel. I know this is to my own detriment but I can't seem to stop or in this case start myself talking and telling it like it is. So then I come home and think of suicidal thoughts and ways of getting out of this hell that I call existence which I know is not good or right but what else do I do. Work, eat, sleep, pay bills, be alone no friends just sit here like the lump I am. My health is not good so that limits anything I want to try if I ever have the motivation to move myself, I am tired of being told I have to move to make things happen but I am not a joiner I am basically very shy and if I even want to go for groceries I have a panic attack just getting out of the house. I hate this depression and everything it is doing to undermine my true personality. I used to be so outgoing and what we used to call a pathfinder. I would just drive until I got lost and find another way back now I'm scared going to the main street. IF I GET OUT OF THE HOUSE.
Oh well that's my tale of whoa for today. Now it's off to bed after a very LONG night shift.