I'm looking around at my things before bed now and thinking… would i be ready to not wake up in the morning – would i be perfectly fine about that like now but after i've gone and i can't come back? The things in my room tell me "no". I have unfinished business and masses of it because of me wanting to do so much and having such high ambitions. I can't even feed my basic human needs though (like company, education, job, health…) so in reality i think i know i'm never going to be able to have a good quality of life.The hope that tells me i still can seems like my worst enemy. Is that hope just a retarded fault in my brain?
I'm sure my social anxiety is the worst in the entire world. Some people have never even had it a tiny little bit once, just like some people have never had spots or been overweight or treat badly by anyone or had to go to the doctors for anything! I'm extreemly envious by the way but at the same time i wouldn't want to change anything about myself, not even the health problems and things that i really do actually need to change. (If you know what i mean). I do want to change them now desperately but i wouldn't go back and change myself, because that would be changing myself.
I would hate to be perfect from the start because your weak when your perfect. Do you know what i mean? When your perfect everyones attracted to you and treat you nicely and you flow through life with no hurdles or mazes or pain but you don't learn how to change and adapt and grow. Basically perfect people evolve less, they are just picked for how they are, like weak pretty little flowers absorbing all the sunlight rather than a strong thorned climbing rose hiding in the shade (but you see them as being the rose) i think. Then again, People with lots of problems hide and when you hide you don't jump over any hurdles/ get any life experience which is where i'm at now.
I'm hiding from my massive anxiety about everything. Anxiety makes you feel like doing life is like walking through houses of playing cards and stacks of dominoes that are bound to fall over straight away and make your whole life ruined in an instant, leading to all your worst fears and the inabillity to restack the dominoes and card houses (because obviously you can't reverse life). Which is really what you've built in your mind that isn't real.
You put off taking the first baby steps in everything your most passionate about (or just completely everything) for years or what has been or could be your whole life (the fact that it probably will be your whole life makes you want to end it, making you depressed because your too anxious to do that as well! The keywords that prove social anxiety is so serious are "missed opportunity". Basically the whole of life for a Social anxiety sufferer is a "missed opportunity". Everything involves socialising or it doesn't exist, life is socialising. It's like having a phobia of water or breathing, you'd die. Unfortunately you can't die mentally. I don't think you can think yourself into death or the mind wouldn't let you.
Because you havn't taken the first steps in anything you want to do; your too embarrassed or literally incapable of doing it even if you try your hardest. I know people like to correct that with "theres no such thing as a failure" or… "theres no such thing as "i can't"" but seriously, at the same time you have to know when something is a failure and with Social anxiety you have many failures. Not because your thinking about it too much but because it was an actual bold and underlined in capitals: FAILURE. (And full stop defending the certainty of the fails!).