I joined honestly to find another reason to stall my suicide. Not enough people care about me and those that do don’t care enough. there have been countless times i show signs i’m struggling or even just say i’m not doing well but no one checks up on me. in the moment they care and help but after that nothing. they care for me when it’s convenient. it has gotten so bad to the point i don’t want to really consider them as friends and just call them friends i have at school. i have one friend who has always been there for me. the only one who cares. but recently he just doesn’t get the fact i really can’t do this anymore. we go through the same thing which is why we are so close the only difference is that in our friend group they do check up on him. they do care even the day after. we both wish we switched roles. to me getting the attention and help and for him to be left alone. my family found out i was skipping school recently. haven’t gotten yelled at yet because i fell asleep before i got to eat dinner with them. i am avoiding them. i do it because in the middle of school i just have the strongest urge to just end it all there. to avoid even trying i skip and go have fun. i’m failing school. even if i show up i don’t understand anything. especially in my core classes. it’s so hard to understand material i do not understand. chemistry is the worst. i love my teacher but i just don’t understand what is going on even if she dumbs it down for me. the people in there are the worst too. i try hard not to cry during school. i don’t even really plan making it past junior year. i made a promise though. i’m sure i’ll break it. it was hard stepping into the new year. i just want to graduate and buy a house to stay away from my family. there’s so much i want to do but i am so tired. i accepted that i won’t get to do any of it. ive become so careless it can be scary. why can’t i just be able to live in a house with my friend and grow a garden. ride my bike to town. move to japan. oh right capitalism. My family is already hard to deal with. I get fat shamed. mind you i am 17 and weigh 146. i fit in medium clothing. I have been told i’m not fat (of course i’m not i hate how that word is thrown out so easily without a thought) but at this point i am so confused what i am. i don’t like my body. ive been eating twice a day. they bully me so much for what. i don’t do anything i’m just myself. As a member in the abc mafia (lgbtq+ community) i don’t feel comfortable telling them that i am bi. they say they support members but then make jokes about beating them with rocks or make ignorant comments each time they see the same gender obviously together. this was long oh my but point is i am here hoping something changes.