7/6/09 Monday 1:44 pm anxietytribe blog

I have some jobs tasks I have been procrasinating on for months which I am both afraid of completing and resentful and don't want to complete as a way of being self sabotaging and passive aggressive. I feel afraid of being emasculated if I give in and do what I am supposed to do because part of me feels being masculine involves being defiant and rebellious. Intellectually, I know it is immature and self destructive way of asserting my masculinity. I feel like there is part of me that is so neurotically passive aggressive that this shadow side of myself has been in control of much of life and feels very comfortably familiar. Trying not to be passive aggressive feels so hard and scary because it means being different and acting different.

There 's a saying in Scriptures about not pouring new wine into old wineskins. )Matthew 9:17, Mark 2:22, Luke 5:37-39). I feel like my habits are like the old wineskins which have hardened and can't stretch and I am trying to pour a healhier self (the new wine) into a rigid old wineskin. I know that I need to ask God to help me to adopt new habits , to not be so old and rigid. It is  really hard. There is a part of me that is very rigid and inflexible and stuck in my old neurotic ways.

I feel very lonely and terrified at the prospect of letting go of what I have clung to most of my life.

1:54 pm

I am trying to :let the dead bury the dead" ( Matt 8:18-20, Luke9: 59-62) but I keep looking back. Help me God to become more fit for the kingdom.

Changing my patterns is so hard. Help me God.

1:57 pm