Home work from 9/5/2010

Find the underlying theme to your writings above(from 8/30). And what are the things/monsters that pop up in my mind/inside that keep me from doing the things that I long for.

“I crave adventure and new challenges all the time… I\'m hoping to get outta town and go camping and explore in the great outdoors. I am considering the possibility of going back to school. I\'m doing things to shake myself up a little like jogging and physical labor.

I dream about having a r life. Swimming, fishing, boating, baking, gardening, painting…all these things…which doesn\'t make it sound simple at all, but it\'s my life, my choices, things that I enjoy.”

I want to get out in the world and live life with more “adventures”.  I long to be doing so many things.  I’m envious of the people who just go camping on the weekends, kayak, and do arty stuff no matter what other people say.  I need to find things that resonate with me and really bring me joy. Helping people and making people laugh and smile always gives me a boost.  I like new challenges everyday, but are there ways of life/careers that involve helping with positive change.  I can’t stand one more day of snobby people giving me grief about trivial things.  It makes me want to peel my face off. 

Things I love:







Seeing a finished project

Freedom to do what I want







Problem Solving



A hard day’s work

Delicious food



What could I go back to school to do that would rock my world and, as frosting, also get me a BA/BS?  Photography (some profession with more creative possibilities), finish music, art(field?), botany/ecology specialist, teacher….these are some ideas.

What stops me from living like an artist in a cabin by the river? Money, lifestyle/husband, timing, anxiety, fear of the unknown.

How can I stray from the well-beaten path and find myself even if it’s “scary”? 

I think I started the journey a while ago, but I find myself getting in a rut again and trying to conform because of the fear that I will do something to jeopardize important relationships in my world.  When in reality I would probably gain a lot more praise and respect by opening myself up to accomplish my dreams.  It is more easy to be a better partner in any relationship when you have more joy and purpose.  When you feel like you’re reaching for your dreams everything else dulls in comparison.  I need to find my passion and just DO IT.  Shake off the fear and live.

After reading this to Dr. V we discussed it a little, he kept a copy.  Within about 10 mins of conversation I broke down in uncontrollable sobs for a good 5mins, which seems like an eternity when it‘s happening.  I couldn’t control myself, and my body and my breath were jagged and shaky. I tried to apologize, but he just assured me it was okay and didn’t make eye contact by bowing his head.  It was nice to release some of the pain, but a little embarrassing too.  After I had brought myself back to control, he made a point to ask if I was considering “self harm” or killing myself.  I said “no” to which he asked, “Are you telling the truth?”  At the time I just felt really tired and beat up emotionally.  I felt guilty that my sobbing made him think I felt so bleak.  I just hate crying!  I just couldn’t control myself. 

So, we were able to chat a bit more, and I was able to remain calm enough to get my new homework.



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