Home work from 9/5/2010
Find the underlying theme to your writings above(from 8/30). And what are the things/monsters that pop up in my mind/inside that keep me from doing the things that I long for.
“I crave adventure and new challenges all the time… I\'m hoping to get outta town and go camping and explore in the great outdoors. I am considering the possibility of going back to school. I\'m doing things to shake myself up a little like jogging and physical labor.
I dream about having a r life. Swimming, fishing, boating, baking, gardening, painting…all these things…which doesn\'t make it sound simple at all, but it\'s my life, my choices, things that I enjoy.”
I want to get out in the world and live life with more “adventures”. I long to be doing so many things. I’m envious of the people who just go camping on the weekends, kayak, and do arty stuff no matter what other people say. I need to find things that resonate with me and really bring me joy. Helping people and making people laugh and smile always gives me a boost. I like new challenges everyday, but are there ways of life/careers that involve helping with positive change. I can’t stand one more day of snobby people giving me grief about trivial things. It makes me want to peel my face off.
Things I love:
Seeing a finished project
Freedom to do what I want
A hard day’s work
What could I go back to school to do that would rock my world and, as frosting, also get me a BA/BS? Photography (some profession with more creative possibilities), finish music, art(field?), botany/ecology specialist, teacher….these are some ideas.
What stops me from living like an artist in a cabin by the river? Money, lifestyle/husband, timing, anxiety, fear of the unknown.
How can I stray from the well-beaten path and find myself even if it’s “scary”?
I think I started the journey a while ago, but I find myself getting in a rut again and trying to conform because of the fear that I will do something to jeopardize important relationships in my world. When in reality I would probably gain a lot more praise and respect by opening myself up to accomplish my dreams. It is more easy to be a better partner in any relationship when you have more joy and purpose. When you feel like you’re reaching for your dreams everything else dulls in comparison. I need to find my passion and just DO IT. Shake off the fear and live.
After reading this to Dr. V we discussed it a little, he kept a copy. Within about 10 mins of conversation I broke down in uncontrollable sobs for a good 5mins, which seems like an eternity when it‘s happening. I couldn’t control myself, and my body and my breath were jagged and shaky. I tried to apologize, but he just assured me it was okay and didn’t make eye contact by bowing his head. It was nice to release some of the pain, but a little embarrassing too. After I had brought myself back to control, he made a point to ask if I was considering “self harm” or killing myself. I said “no” to which he asked, “Are you telling the truth?” At the time I just felt really tired and beat up emotionally. I felt guilty that my sobbing made him think I felt so bleak. I just hate crying! I just couldn’t control myself.
So, we were able to chat a bit more, and I was able to remain calm enough to get my new homework.