Really struggling today. I saw my PCP yesterday and she ran a bunch of bloodwork and did an EKG which she is consulting Cardiology about bc my heart rate was 36, and I guess showed some other concerning things. Really starting to feel the effects of all the restricting, lack of energy, really sleepy, just kind of blah. All I want to do is open a bottle and numb out all my feelings. But I have 49 days sober today and I’m committed to getting to 50, and 100, and 365, and so on. I have so many reasons to not drink, most importantly my kids, and really no good reason to drink. Working on sitting in the discomfort.

I’m in SMART recovery and a tool we use is cost-benefit analysis and that one really hits home for me. The costs of continuing to drink are just too high, and the benefits of continuing to drink are far outweighed by the benefits of being sober. It’s an easy equation, but not always easy to apply. But while I can see it so clearly with the drinking it’s much harder with the anorexia. It’s easy to tell myself that the only person it’s affecting is me, but I know that’s not true. I just can’t seem to translate that into changing my behavior.

I am taking suboxone because I had been on narcotic painkillers for my chronic back pain from a car accident for over 10 years and I couldn’t get off of them without medication. I tried once and it did not go well. Even with the suboxone I had pretty bad withdrawal symptoms for about a week. I know it’s helping me to not drink as well so I am grateful for that. But my back is pretty much in constant pain. I walk every day which helps, and am about to start another round of PT which has helped me a lot in the past.

I have the names of several therapists who specialize in treating eating disorders and I promised myself I would call this week. Well it’s Wednesday and I haven’t called yet. Maybe tomorrow. All I know is I’m not going to drink today.