Im sitting in my truck outside of the house i live in with a room that i rent for my husband and i, where my 5yo comes over for a couple days a week to spend time with us away from her geegee’s house, where she lives, because she was unfortunate enough to be born into a world where her parents are shitty at being adults. Anyways, I’m sitting here while my husband and child are inside; he’s working on the computer, she’s in bed watching a movie until its time for sleep. I’m sitting here… outside, alone… im depressed, and I can’t bump this feeling that im always going to be a shitty person, everyone closest to me is going to continue growing without me, and I’m going to be left here, alone, continuing to struggle. I can tell that my husband is on the brink of just being totally over me and my fucking issues. Even when it seems like im on my best behavior and I’m not affecting anyone, i do something wrong that annoys the shit out of him. He doesn’t openly say he’s tired of  me, but you can tell. And then, after a bout of shopping, he comes home acting like everything is okay. Thats how you know you’re a real problem. When everything but you make your partner happy. Im just a fucking problem. Im tired of feeling the way that i do. Im tired of being the fucking problem. Just want it to end. So i keep myself busy, and i avoid everyone who i can, and i try to focus on being neutral… just trying to be okay… it’s still hard and emotionally painful, but i’m getting through it alive..

 

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