I’m sat up at quarter to five in the morning still feeling awake because I have a mixture of anger and sadness about me (though it’s starting to ease now with tiredness). I’ve just had a bit of a shock thats made me feel shitter than ever. I think I’m gonna write it down because I want to get it out but no I am not attention seeking by doing so!

Basicially, about a month ago I made friends with a girl. We seemed similar and like we were going to get along, into the same things, same age, both had crap mates before etc. But last thursday she just had a go at me out of no where that has left me feeling so angry since I don’t know what to do with it. I am just so glad I am seeing my counsellor later today. We were talking on facebook chat and for the past week I had been asking her if she wanted to go out the saturday just gone. She kept making excuses like she didn’t know what she was doing yet etc and I got the feeling she wasn’t keen. I asked her again on facebook. She said do you want to go cinema. I admit this exhasparated me as I miss going out saturday nights so much since other mates either never want to now, are working, skint or with boyfriends etc. We have already been cinema once in the past 3 weeks too. So I said I would prefer to go clubbing. She responded by saying apparently that’s all I ever want to do and she felt I wasn’t really her friend. I was shocked by this and asked her what she meant. She then said I had let her down 3 times before. I was even more surprised by this and said when??? She reeled off 3 times,  and I had reasons for each one. The first time we were meant to meet we had arranged to meet in the town I live in. As she cant drive she was going to get the bus over. We talked about this a week before we were meant to meet and as the days approached I didn’t hear off her. So tuesday arrived and as I have M.E. as I assumed I had no plans I slept until about 2 when I could finally wake up. I turned my phone on to get a barrage of texts from her saying firstly did i still want to meet? then about 8 saying she was there and waiting!!! Now trust me I felt truely awful and like a complete cunt then. She had messaged me on facebook and didn’t sound very happy asking what had happened. I explained I didn’t know what was going on. But even though I felt awful I also felt slightly annoyed as if that was me, I always text/message someone if we are due to meet but I haven’t heard off them for a few days first. As you never know they might have changed their mind or something has come up or anything. So I felt kind of annoyed she had just turned up as most people with common sense if they had not had a reply would of just not turned up anyway. The second time last saturday night. We were going to go cinema (not my choice apparently she didn’t have enough money for town but she did for cinema?). But that night just as I was getting ready to go out I found out my ex boyfriend who dumped me new years day is moving to my town. Now my town is the smallest most cliqueiest town you could ever meet. Everyone knows each other, each others business and everyone is always connected somehow. I hate it as I was bullied at school and lets just say not the most popular person therefore. When everyone goes out saturday night its inevitable you will always bump into people you know and my ex who currently lives in a town nearby is always out most saturday nights. He also currently comes to my town occasionally for nights out too. I saw him for the first time since we split up 2 weeks ago on saturday. It was near the end of the night and me and my friend were sat on a wall waiting for our other friend who was talking to a friend. I suddenly looked up and my ex was walking right past me! I noticed him because of the scar on his face. He turned round and looked at me and seemed to give me what was a dirty look then quickly walked on. Me and my mates were heading for the taxi rank anyway so we began to walk to there. But my ex infront was heading in exactly the same direction! He also seemed to be walking really quick as if trying to get away. When we reached the taxi rank me and my friends went and stood in a corner to wait for a taxi. But I happened to look around and there was my ex over the other side with his mates. Just as I looked one of his friends happened to turn round and point towards my direction. The whole group of them then proceeded to laugh. They then made their way towards a taxi and I got in one with my friends. As the reality of what had happened sank in (aswell as the alcohol) I suddenly burst into uncontrollable tears. Me and my ex had agreed I thought to stay friends and be civil to one another if we saw each other. This was clearly not the case. I still have his number so I asked my friend to phone him and ask him why he had behaved in that way. She did so and he seemed to be speaking nicely from what I could hear so I took the phone. He then proceeded to tell me that he hadn’t given me a dirty look, had thought he’d seen me when he’d passed by and had had to take a second look. He also said he and his mates were laughing at "some fat bitch" near me. I spoke to him adultly and said I wasn’t having a go at him simply asking as I thought we had agreed to stay civil. For a change he didn’t seem to get angry and instead seemed friendly asking me how my night had been etc.

But seeing him really effected me in a bad way. It brought back lots of bad memories and made me realise I am not as over him as I thought I was. I really did not need to see him as him being out of my sight had helped me forget about him abit more. It was horrible seeing him that one night, so when I found out he was moving here I was gutted. I did cry and rang my friend to explain. She asked if I was ok and seemed concerned. I explained I really did not feel like going to the cinema now as I did not feel like having to sit amongst strangers for 2 hours watching a film when I felt like crap. She seemed understanding but the week before when we had been out (the night I saw him) she had left some of her stuff at my house and needed it back. I felt bad letting her down as it was plus felt I looked a state and felt crap to go out in public now but was fine just to drop her stuff over to her which I did. By this time it was coming up to midnight but I drove to her town next to mine and gave her her stuff. She wanted me to come in but she said her boyfriend wouldn’t let me as his daughter was over and he "wanted to spend time with her". Apparently we couldn’t even go in and sit in another room and talk while they were in another room. I know I hadn’t known my friend long but I don’t really think I look like a weirdo or a peadofile! But I said to my friend it was ok I was fine with just sitting outside in the car. We even drove to mcdonalds as I hadn’t eaten. We talked and seemed to get on fine. She was upset because her boyfriend was being horrible to her so we talked.

The third time I was meant to have let her down was tuesday. We had arranged to go job hunting but that day I heard nothing off her and again felt crap with my M.E. And as I hadn’t heard off her thought she could not want to go that urgently. So as I felt awful again anyway left it. I thought why should it always be me making the moves running after her contacting her?

So I was annoyed when she said I had let her down 3 times. She then went on to say about me and my ex moving here and me being upset about it that "I need to get over it, its pathetic, he could move next door to me and I shouldn’t care, its not my town, I don’t own it, I can’t tell him where to live, I’ve got no right too" etc etc. Now obviously I know I can’t stop him moving here and its not up to me, its a free country etc. But as I have explained my town is so small it is inevitable I will see him around and as I do not feel 100% over him as anyone with depression as sevre as mine will understand is very tough. And of all the places he could move to in our county why chose the town he knows I live nearest to? So I basicially said I thought she was a nice person but obviously I was wrong. I did make a comment that at least I wasn’t with someone who treated me like shit and knew it, aiming at her as her boyfriend is a control freak. But I could not believe she had said what she had said. I had never seen a side to her like that before. She didn’t reply after that and I went offline after a while.

Now since that row I have been thinking and I have become very suspicious that why would she react in that way and seemingly defend him over her friend? Well I gave her his MSN address before this because I thought he had blocked me and I had asked her to add him as a favour and ask him to unblock me. I began to think I haven’t known this girl long, my ex is a good looking guy, I know she’s not happy in her relationship…. is there more to this than meets the eye??? Well it seems my suspicions were confirmed as tonight I found out they are now friends on facebook. She has also messaged him on there calling me , his ex, a "freak controlling friend" and a "spoilt brat". He had replied saying "lol, I take it she had pissed you off. I wouldn’t even call her an ex, I wish I’d never had anything to do with her". And there was me thinking we were going to be civil and amicable???? Clearly not. I have since had a row with my best friend and taken it out on him and I know I shouldn’t of but I was so so sooo angry I was shaking. I cannot believe that every girl friend I seem to make is a complete 2 faced bitch!!!!! Is it that hard to find decent mates round here??? (another reason why I hate my town). Also I was so angry they had gone talking about me like that behind my back. So I have since sent her a not very pleasant message but I am so fucked off now with shit friends fucking me over. It hurts so much as I know I am very much a girls girl, I love female company, I know I can get on with anyone as long as they are reasonable and I love all the normal girly things. I have lost so many female friends already in the past year I feel so low to have lost another before the friendship has even began. I really thought she could of become my best girl mate aswell as we seemed to have things in common and relate so well on the being fucked over before part. I do feel genurally bad if she feels I have let her down before, I feel guilty and like shit. But I don’t understand why she would send my ex that message for as there was no need. I was going to message her and try to make amends once I’d cooled down but I don’t feel I can now after hearing that. It just goes to show I’m obviously not as much of a good judge of character as I thought I was. She obviously just dosen’t understand when you have depression it does come in the way of your life and I personally can’t help that. It’s something I’ve always struggled with since school, hence the fact my attendance was so poor. That’s why I really hope some people on this site understand. Me and my ex wern’t together long but because of my condition I do form attachments to people easily and with him it was lust at first sight. Because I’ve been hurt so much before in my past I do put barriers up and I find faults with people very easily. It is very rare I find someone who I actually fancy alot. And with this guy I did. Everything about him gave me butterflys and made my tummy flip. But it soon started to go wrong which maybe I will talk about more in a further blog and he threatened me, my mum and dad, (knowing my mum is disabled). Not to their faces, but he said it to me. My "friend" dosen’t have the first idea what he put me through even in that short amount of time. And I have not explained the worst part of him moving to my shithole of a town yet. He is moving with his cousin, a guy a couple of years younger than him who he does everything with and is his "best friend". This cousin I went on a couple of dates with before my ex but it never got to go far because he lied to me telling me he had a job when infact he didn’t. And he had his own place with a mate when infact he didn’t. I actually found the truth out through my ex as I had my suspicions as he seemed a bit of a player and messing me about. When the cousin found out I knew the truth about him I told him even if he didn’t have a job and lived at home he could of told me because I wouldn’t of judged him as I’m not like that and I liked him for him not that. But like my ex (and probably why they get on so well). All he could do was just keep demanding who had told me, (even though it was obvious it was my ex but he had asked me not to say it was him so I couldn’t). He didn’t even listen to what I was trying to say and all he seemed to care about was being caught out. We haven’t spoken since then and not long after his cousin showed an interest, (I should of known then chatting up a girl who had been seeing his "best mate") and then the rest is history. So back to my point it is bad enough just my ex is moving here but not only that with his cousin too so I will not only have to see him but his cousin with him too as they are always out together. The cousin likes to be out drinking like it’s the only thing in life every week. They currently go out in the town their living in now mostly so I can just imagine they are going to be out in the town I live in instead now, (especially as the house they are getting is now) town.

I just feel sick about it all. I hate my town as it is and have actually gone off going out now because I’ve so many enemies in it. But I don’t want to see my ex because I know I will just get upset and people don’t understand with my conditon I can’t just "get over it". I feel like shit and like crying and tired all the time. I thought this girl could be a potential best mate. I feel humiliated at them laughing about me behind my back when I do know underneath my ex is no angel. He may make out I’m an ogre, (and that really REALLY gets me down) but he has his faults too. I just wanted a friend who was going to understand. I know she was annoyed I let her down but theres still no need for what she did, its sick and wrong. I feel ill. Now I know I am going to get shit back off her and I really didn’t want to make another enemy 🙁 I feel like complete shit.