This entire thing is about that one sad mistake that ruins an entire, perfect moment. If I had just gone in for that one kiss. It's such a sad, foolish thing to dwell on. It was my moment of hesitation that instilled the doubt in her mind and started me on a long downward spiral of shame and longing. I could have always blamed it on being a little bit drunk. That was our kiss. We had earned it. It was our perfect frozen moment in time and was almost the culmination of my entire life. I should have never let being with someone stop me…or maybe I should have. It may be a good thing that she now knows I am not the type to start a relationship while already involved. I think maybe she is trying to get back at me by showing me what I have been doing to women all of these years. I don't know. It just seemed that by the time I was ready, she found me unfit. Maybe it was only the fact that I was taken which attracted her….
I have been saying to myself for years that if there is such a thing as destiny, I have made so many poor choices that I would never find the correct path again. But regardless of how far off the path I am, these moments keep presenting themselves, and I keep balking at them, sending me spinning off in a whole new diretcion in which awful things happen one after the other from my wrong decision. So even if I can't find the right path again, so what? The important thing is my ability to negotiate the path I'm on. Maybe telling myself that I'm always on the wrong path makes me doubt any of the decisions I have to make. Maybe kissing her would have brought me into this place of getting too serious before I was ready. Maybe I did show remarkable restraint in that moment, but it doesn't help that I didn't have a single moment of it after that.