I was just diagnosed with OCD on Monday but this all started in June of 2011. I had just gotten married, I was finished with nursing school, had a stable job, house, two cars and a dog. Life couldn't possibly get any better than that. One day I was just sitting on the couch and I had this thought that I could just stab my husband. I didn't want to. He didn't do anything to make me mad and I love him more than anything. The very thought of hurting him seriously disturbed me. I couldn't fathom how I could possibly have that thought and if I could think it without wanting to, is it possible that I won't be able to control my hands and one of them will stab him? So I sat on my hands. But the thoughts wouldn't stop and I panicked. I was pacing the floor and telling my husband to get away from me. I couldn't tell him why, obviously. I didn't want to scare and tell him, "hey your wife could be a homicidal maniac but the honeymoon was fun right?" I called my mom and she came right over. She medicated me and stayed with me until the panic stopped. I made an appointment with my doctor. I had never had a problem like this before. I figured I must have a hormone imbalance or something. All of my labs were fine. The fact that there was nothing physically wrong with me scared me more than anything. What if I really am a homicidal maniac waiting to happen? She prescribed me Xanax and Celexa and sent me on my way. The celexa made me go out of my mind. I couldn't keep track of time. I'd sit there and think hours had passed when it was only minutes. I was anxious 24/7. I couldn't even go to the grocery store. So I stopped that and vowed to never take a psych med again and gave up. For the past year I've been cotrolling the bad anxiety with xanax and just trying to fight the "bad thoughts." I went to counseling with my husband because obviously this took a toll on our marriage. Our marriage almost ended after only 8 months. The counseling saved us and helped the anxiety/OCD for awhile but recently it came back and with a vengeance. I've been having the violent thoughts again, I panic behind the wheel because I'm convinced I'm going to cause a car accident by running my car into the opposite lane of traffic. There are days I leave my house convinced it's the day I die in an accident. I circle the block several times to make sure I shut the garage door. I text my husband after I get to work to have HIM check if I unplugged my hair straightener because if I don't our house will burn down. I made an appointment with a psychiatrist. He told me, "You will never hurt anyone because you are so disturbed by the very thought of you that you've made it into an obsession." I was so relieved and honestly relieved to know why I do the things I do and think the way I think. I honestly thought I had a brain tumor or some sort of cancer. He gave me zoloft and a follow up appointment. I'm on day 3 of the Zoloft so obviously it hasn't kicked in yet. I cried for 45 minutes before I took the Zoloft. I cried because I thought I was too scared to take it. I was convinced the pill would take over my mind and turn my into a psycho murderer. I knew that thought was ridiculous but I couldn't help it and it frustrated me even more. But 3 days later I'm feeling really good and hopeful about it.

I'm really glad that this site exists. I thought I was alone for so long. I didn't know harm OCD existed and I never really understood what OCD was until now. I'm learning a lot from everyone on here and am thankful for all of you that have posted your own stories. Sorry for my rambling but it feels really nice to get my story out there.

4 Comments
  1. Grunwarm 10 years ago

    Thanks. That means a lot to me. My friends and family try really hard to be supportive but they can't understand. It's not their fault but it still sucks.

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  2. chez 10 years ago

    Just as Jul said you are not alone and welcome to the tribe i hope you find it very helpful here i know the tribe have helped me so much so i am sure it will help you alot if you ever need to vent or need anything i will try my best to help just send me a msg. {{{HUGS}}}

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  3. OCDinAmishland 10 years ago

    Along with the Zoloft try Seroquil.  It really helps to calm your mind.  You take it at bed time and it really helps you sleep well. 

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  4. Grunwarm 10 years ago

    But they were three good changes and I was happy and finally content. My mind just had to go and mess it all up. 🙁

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